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30 March 2003 @ 08:58 pm
This is wrong.  
This is wronger than wrong.

Allow me to explain somewhat. Let us begin with my current fascination with LotR. Very easy. Quite simply, it is there.

Now, let us move to The Library of Moria. More specifically, let us move to the Archivist's Challenges page. Let us look at the second challenge for April:

"Darkfic: Dark, depressing themes, possibly delving into horror, and usually with an unhappy ending."

Since approximately three-quarters of my fic already falls casually into this category, I was appropriately excited by this challenge.

And what does my delightful little brain dredge up? Something that, while disturbing in its own right, is simply a long, drawn-out angst fest and not something that could be called horror or darkfic, really (See, when I think in terms of my own darkfic, Thriller strikes me as being the quintessential fic of mine for this kind of mood, even with the 'happy ending.' Of The End is another prominent one, though it isn't finished and may never be. Like A Magnet, definitely. And Metaphorical Menstruation gains points for excessive gore and subject matter, despite a vaguely happy ending.)

Sigh. I know I have a month to think about this, but still. I want to have the idea now so I can flesh it out a bit and give myself the time I need to procrastinate.

Of an idea that is far too complex that has no real ending. You know what? Fuck it. It's just an odd collection of images that are possibly being held together by a common theme.

Begins with the death of Frodo's parents. Cut to after-funeral party (er...wake?) and some gossiping by nasty-mean relatives. Okay, Frodo will live with Bilbo, which is good because he's just about the creepiest little hobbit ever. Frodo, not Bilbo. Though no one's ever particularly thrilled about Bilbo. Much talk about why Frodo hasn't cried at all, barely talks, etc. Is generally quite silent. Mention of Frodo having 'fits' (i.e. seizures) however none of the family and friends have ever been present for one and had only heard it mentioned in passing by Drogo and Primula. When Bilbo goes to locate Frodo, he finds him by the lake... river... lake. Um. Whichever it was that his parents drowned in. Anyway, he has his hands in the water up to his wrists, palms up. Readers and Bilbo not entirely sure why.

That gesture is repeated every year on the anniversary of his parents' deaths. At this point, there is still no mention of why he does it.

(This next image is the most vivid one in my head... well, besides little hobbit-hands in the water... and if I write any part of this stupid fucker, it'll be this.) So, I have no idea how we jump to this bit, but here goes... Frodo's been living with Bilbo for a bit, but not for long. At most, he is nineteen or twenty and is at least sixteen or seventeen. Any 'fits' Frodo has have tapered into very mild ones, and are damn near-nonexistant. But (watch out now, it's italicized) at a party (possibly one of B+F's joint birthday parties) or some public place in general, poor Frodo suffers from a rather violent and frightening seizure. (Medically speaking a 'tonic-clonic' seizure, in which muscles stiffen and then begin to jerk uncontrollably... why yes, I have started doing research!) When he regains consciouness, he is disoriented and overwhelmed. He cries, vomits a little, and calls for his mommy. At which point, he has effectively scared the bejeesus out of everyone present. Including little Samwise Gamgee, who happens to be present. Ooh, foreshadowing. Or something.

Flash forward a bit more (told you none of these fit together into a coherent story) to when Sam is... oh... ten or something. It's bedtime, Frodo's babysitting (Note to self: make up plausible reason for why exactly Frodo is babysitting) and he's tucking Sam in and... argh, I don't like this bit because it means that my brain is really twisted and icky... and Frodo kinda tries to touch in a very inappropriate way. But Sam's a smart kid and he, firmly but calmly, tells Frodo no. Frodo realizes what it was he was actually about to do and it's BOOM epiphany. He apologizes to Sam, waits until he falls asleep, then goes outside to the nearby lake, river, whatever. Sticks his hands in. Bilbo observes this and is a bit put off because it isn't the right day. So he follows Frodo and watches him sit for awhile, until Frodo finally becomes frustrated and screams at the river, asking it why it won't take him the way it did his parents (oh, so sad! *snicker*). Apparently, this is his reasoning for placing his hands into the water like that every year; he expects to someday be swallowed up so he can join his parents. Bilbo tells him that water doesn't work like that, that you can't just sit passively on the side and expect it to pull you in. After a lot of conversational angsty meandering, Frodo lets it slip that he'd been molested for a short time as a child by Drogo (and I'm really, really sorry for making him the bad guy. But he's dead and therefore can't defend himself). Not violently, but all the same, he obviously hadn't much liked it. The seizures were a development that came later as a physical manifestation of stress. (*rationalizes*) Then, as we juuussssst saw, he'd been starting to exhibit similar behaviour toward Sam as his father had toward him, which he rationalizes in his head as being able to have absolute control, which he felt he never had before.

Sigh. And somewhere in there is an image of Frodo playing piano. Purely for my own enjoyment.

*rereads* Wow, that's just bad. *metaphorically tosses in garbage* Arrrgh! Where did the darkfic muse go? In my goddamned hour of need!
 
 
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