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20 September 2003 @ 04:19 am
*sigh*  
Thinking about what a bad person I am makes my chest hurt. Seriously, all I have to do is think, "I am bad" and my mind comes up with a million reasons why this is true. And then I want to cry and spend another full day in bed.

I am bad, not good, not nice, not happy. "Do you think you're better than me? Do you want to kill me or befriend me?"

When you can spend hours lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and thinking of ways to off yourself... you kind of start to think something is wrong.

Not even just kill myself. No, no, my subconscious wants me to suffer, apparently. One of the most attractive ideas is slitting the muscles and tendons and various gore in my right wrist and arm only, hopefully doing enough damage that I'll never draw again. I mean, hell. What would I do after that? Kill myself eventually, I suppose.

I'm sorry if I scare or upset people, I really am. I know that's generally the goal in saying things like this, but... I don't know. I don't want the attention. I don't think I much deserve it.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Oingo Boingo
 
 
 
(Anonymous) on September 20th, 2003 06:07 am (UTC)
You are an intellegent and creative young woman. Something the world needs more of. Be angry, be hurt, but get up and fight for another day. You--and life--are worth it.

Plus, blood stains are hell to get out of fabric.

From someone who knows.
Sycorax: cubesycoraxthewitch on September 20th, 2003 07:32 am (UTC)
*hugs you*
I think it is good that you write about how you feel. It is better to get some of it out (through writing, drawing and so on), than to keep everything inside.

I do not think you are bad.
I think you are great!
You are intelligent, very very talented, open-minded and a very nice and friendly person.

*hug you again*
Meredithsillypants on September 20th, 2003 03:11 pm (UTC)
*hugs* You are tremendous.
Pete: Hasn't that place been condemned?glorybox on September 22nd, 2003 12:54 am (UTC)
Late again, but...I do worry about you, but don't feel bad about it. Wouldn't worry about someone I didn't care about, you know.

No, no, my subconscious wants me to suffer, apparently. One of the most attractive ideas is slitting the muscles and tendons and various gore in my right wrist and arm only, hopefully doing enough damage that I'll never draw again. I mean, hell. What would I do after that? Kill myself eventually, I suppose.

You do realize you sound just like me, though replace "slitting the muscles and tendons and various gore in my right wrist and arm" with "burying a fireaxe into my spinal column and then into my throat," and the ending bits of that paragraph with "because hell! it's very likely I won't be able to go to special effects school, so what have I got to lose?!". I'm not sure that necessarily a good thing, but here's hoping you're feeling better now. I think you are, so it's all good. *hugs*
DrWorm: squallxlagunadrworm on September 22nd, 2003 11:43 am (UTC)
Man, if it was possible... I would just hug the hell out of you. I hope you know how much I appreciate it when you reply so nicely to these angsty posts of mine... it's so comforting to know that an almost-stranger seems to really care... and really understand too, so rare. I often feel like I don't show my appreciation nearly enough, but god... thank you. Really, seriously, thank you so much. I can't think of anything else to say except you are hella cool in so many ways... and, you know...

*HUGHUGHUGHUGHUG*