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28 October 2003 @ 02:04 am
Meh.  
"I tell you that I'll always want you near/You say that things change, my dear." - Tori Amos

I keep posting out of boredom, procrastination, and nervous energy. But mostly nervous energy. Worry. God, I'm so frustrated.

Color concepts lies forgotten on my floor.

I'm so unhappy. I wish I wasn't. I wish people would stop telling me to push on, that "this too shall pass." What if it doesn't? And what am I pushing myself toward? Life feels very hopeless right now. I feel like the future is just this giant void, a million years of nothing spread out before me.

God, it would be so easy... I'm four floors up, there's no screen in my window... I could jump. Maybe I wouldn't die, but something would happen, right? It would take away my worry and my guilt and my whatever.

It's cold outside. And I look out the window at an entire city of people who have their own busy lives and their own problems. I wonder where I get off acting like this, threatening suicide, cutting myself, hurting myself so that I can in turn hurt others and get some sort of attention that isn't a fucking pat on the back and "nice job, you're very talented"... there's a whole big city outside my window, filled with thousands of people, but none of them are the right person at all and it's not fair.

I don't want to be so far away and I don't want to keep having misunderstandings and fights and I never want to hurt your feelings.

"But all I can think about is how much I miss my cats..."
 
 
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Tori Amos - Raspberry Swirl
 
 
 
VimesLady: Sinkvimeslady on October 28th, 2003 09:57 am (UTC)
Gods, I have so stood where you're standing. Sometimes you write things that could have come right out of my own journal (except no one ever tells me I'm talented). The only things standing between me and that place right now are six prescription drugs, cigarettes, and an hour a week with a therapist. And even then... "I wish people would stop telling me to push on, that "this too shall pass." What if it doesn't? And what am I pushing myself toward?" Yes, that sums it up nicely. Misery doesn't necessarily love company, though. I wish you weren't suffering this same stuff. It makes me sad to think you know just how I feel because you're going through the same garbage.