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04 December 2003 @ 10:50 pm
Oh dear sweet jesus...  
I'm afraid for my soul.. But this one is my favorite:

"So I know I'm talented. I know I'm intelligent. One huge way I know this is that I have found only a few people that can talk to me on my level. No lie. No bragging. It's really not fun--I still don't have any friends, per my choice, to this day. Sometimes being intelligent can be a burden, and it's something I generally try to forget about except for when I have to talk about it."

So, what the shit? I read that and was like, "Ah, crap... that sounds like me." Except, you know what? It doesn't. I do know I'm talented and intelligent. I love it and wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. And I brag about it. I'm proud of it. I do, on quite a few levels, enjoy the attention I receive. As for finding people to talk to on my "level?" Not really a problem. I don't have to mingle with other people who got high scores on their SATs or ACTs, or did well in high school, or have a 130 or above IQ. There are lots of people to talk to in this world, and I find I can't talk to most people on my "level" any more than I can talk to people who aren't. I'd known most of the geniuses at my school for six years, approximately, and wasn't really able to be friends with any of them. That's not what friendship is about. Do I have a lot of friends? Well, no. But that's a crazy bitch problem, not an issue of smarts or "talent."

I'm always afraid I'm being conceited when I say something like "I'm smart" or "I'm good at what I do." But when I think about it... I mean, I'm not good at everything. I'm absolutely crap at some very simple life things. I'm not particularly nice, nor am I particularly aware of the world around me. I was getting, like, a D in my 3-D class because, no matter what, I am not good at constructing things. I don't play well with others and my efforts at sports are laughable. I'm not coordinated enough to play a musical instrument. My singing voice isn't that great, but I'll continue to sing anyway. I'm not organized. I'm gullible. I have absolutely no common sense. My driving is kind of scary. The list goes on and on.

The gist is that I know what I'm good at. I know when I could have done a better job, and I know when someone has done better work than me. I'm eighteen, I'm still a kid, but I do have a perspective on myself and on what I can produce. It'll change over time, I know. That's life. But I'm glad I'm smart, I'm glad I'm talented, I'm glad I have smart parents. I'm sorry that I have to be a manic-depressive or a Borderline. I'm sorry I'm a perfectionist. But I really can't be sorry for things that I like about myself or things I can't work around or change... I can't call whatever intelligence I have a burden, as it propels me through life. Anyone who sees intelligence as a burden is not intelligent. The true burden is what we make of our intelligence, when we choose to allow it to lead our lives rather than enrich it. It is elitism, not intelligence, that puts a barrier between you and other people. (Not that I'm ragging on elitism, because I've got a bit of that myself and I kind of enjoy it.)

Intelligence is like The Force. It can be used for good and evil. And it comes with side effects either way (like having little green men strapped to your back).
 
 
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