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03 February 2002 @ 10:27 pm
Random jumble of thoughts...  
I hate feeling like I don't belong to anything. At least with Amy I had this feeling of belonging to... well... Amy. But she didn't like that and obviously wanted to belong to a larger, more normal group of people. People that I, apparently, am not allowed to be friends with. Which is fine by me, because at the point I don't want to be friends with anyone willing to be friends with her.

But I can't seem to make new friends. Everyone's sorted themselves out by now, everyone's got the cliques straight. And I don't sort into a clique. Not because I don't want to, not because I'm too diverse or too strange, but just because I don't. I hate that. It doesn't seem fair. Now, suddenly, all I care about is what other people see when they see me. I don't have even half the self confidence I used to. I'm afraid to be onstage, I'm afraid to be in any sort of leadership position. I'm afraid to stand up in front of my English class, for christsakes.

For someone who used to perform at any given chance, social anxiety disorder is a very frightening change. I couldn't belive how uncomfortable I was just going into Acting and Directing 2. I can't believe how happy I am now that I'm in my art EO instead. I can't believe how happy an empty room makes me.

And yet I still want friends? Both Anya and Helena have been being extra nice to me, but still... I just don't see where I go, I don't see where I belong. I feel really lost. I feel pathetic. I feel sad that the only person I can still talk to freely is Stef, who is a 20 minute drive away.

In any case, I feel like shit. I miss Ryan because I miss that sort of mutual respect and I miss how nice he is.

Less than one and a half more years. One and a half years and I'm getting myself a fucking life. Because I'm sick of these games.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Everclear- Hateful
The protector of italian virginityetiolate on February 3rd, 2002 11:49 pm (UTC)
In highschool I often was walking in a crowd but totally alone. I didn't belong anywhere, and I didn't care too much. I had friends, but I often was nice to whoever I cam along to. One gorup would hate one person, but I would like both. So I could wander to one group, but I never became fully envoleped in it. It's not a bad thing you know. The sooner you know yourself, the more ahead of everyone you will be. Most of those people in groups, take a long time to discover who they are.