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15 February 2002 @ 10:39 am
 
I am so unhappy. And it's so fucking petty. I hate feeling unhappy and stupid and WORTHLESS over petty things.

But I do. I didn't make the play, which makes me both angry and depressed. It's such a judgement and I hate it. "Here you are and... you suck! Ok?" And I'm so fucking mad about that because I know that I'm better than most of the people who got cast. I know. I know it because I've been doing theatre for damn near five years, I know it because I am almost always given a part, a decent part, in community plays. I know it because I don't have to think about it, because I don't have to analyze it to death like the rest of this teenage crap. Because I can go out in front of people and simply become another person. It's that easy for me. No thought involved. No stilted lines, no sounding like I'm reading from a script. Just talking, just feeling.

So, the alternative is that they are pissed off at me for some goddamned fucking stupid reason. 'Kay, fine. Stupid bitches. Here's the deal, sweeties: you aren't real actresses. Neither of you. I don't have to listen to your opinion and I don't have to believe it. Because you are high school drama teachers. About as far down the line of professional as you can get.

You are pathetic. You are old and sad and I'll bet you never got what you wanted or expected out of life. It's not my damn problem.

Not to say that my acting is better than yours, not to say that my acting is something better than a great many people's. But you are picking people you can mold and shape into your own little proteges. I won't be one. I refuse.

Fuck you.

I also got a 'C' on my math test... when I thought I understood everything that I was doing. I did, I thought I did. But I didn't. I was so mad that I bit and scratched up my hand. First self-mutilation I've done in a few weeks.

But I'm so worthless and I'm not at all special. I feel like I have nothing and can accomplish nothing. I feel like I disappoint everyone... all I want to do is please other people but I can't even do that... I can't please myself. I just want to die. I hate it, I hate everything, I just want to get out of here. I want to feel like someone would care if I just disappeared, but it doesn't feel that way.

This depressing entry does not look right against this cheerful background. Out of place. Like me.
 
 
Current Mood: disappointed
 
 
 
Rosedarthneko on February 15th, 2002 07:26 am (UTC)
*HUGS* because. and because you would be missed. *HUGS*
Meredithsillypants on February 15th, 2002 12:18 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear this from, but I'd care if you were to go... believe me I do understand how you feel (I spent four years wanting to kill every member of my drama class, and I did used to self-mutilate. I still do sometimes, but it's not the issue it used to be). But, believe me, although I can only comment on what I've seen, you're a massively talented writer and artist (you still wouldn't believe how much I love that pic you drew me for my birthday -- plus no one's done that for me before :), I never fail to be amazed by your stuff.
Eeks, I'm rambling, but umm, just *hugs* :( I know I act like a ditzy dickhead in my lj, but I do understand :(
DrWormdrworm on February 17th, 2002 12:51 pm (UTC)
Hur? Why wouldn't I want to hear from you! I think you're pretty goshdarn cool, yo! (Todd's rubbing off on me... *sigh*) Thanks for being so nice... I'm really glad you liked the picture so much. I've never really done that for anyone online, but hey... Evoslash people need to stick together. *watches warily as the Evo section on ff.net fills with Lance/Kitty stuff*

And while may want to kill every member of Drama Guild now... the urge will... most definitely continue until, as a senile 90 year old, I forget about it. -__-;; Um... yeeeesssss...

*hugs back* And it's ok to act like a ditzy dickhead (which I don't really think you do, but... 'kay...) because... er... it just is. ^^;; Because it's fun, because it's fun to read, etc, etc. *rereads* Yeeeeesh. Babble indeed...
Meredithsillypants on February 19th, 2002 06:56 pm (UTC)
Re:
Yikes, yeah I'm sorry about that first comment... I get ideas from time to time that everyone is really sick of me... I'm sorry you had to cop it :/ *feels sheepish*

It's so no problem to be nice to you at all... it just makes me sad because you're such a worthy and worthwhile person, I hate to see people who so deserve to be happy unhappy :(
Astriddigitalhalogen on February 16th, 2002 05:30 am (UTC)
I didn't make the play either, if it helps at all.
I didn't make the play either, if it helps at all.
Of course, I also have NO acting talent whatsoever, but, anyway...
I figure, RHS plays are usually not the most fun things to be involved in anyway.
I mean, everyone runs around, bitching about everyone else, and then they go to the people they were bitching about and rat other people out. I don't think anyone on the cast is as passionate as you when it comes to acting, so, the bottom line; Who needs them? And who needs a stupid RHS play, or to be brought down by a bunch of lame backstabbers who think they can act? Certainly not you.
And I very much enjoyed your director spiel. (Random note of ha-ha; I still have my nun's habit. STILL. I just forgot to give it back. [Why would anyone on Earth KEEP something like that?])

So yeah, totally screw RHS drama guild. They'll never go anywhere, anyway. But you, you've got potential, kid.
It's extremely shittastic that you weren't cast because you "Didn't fit a role", but what are you gonna do? Oh, I know. Get parts in better plays, elsewhere. Because you rock, and they don't. So there.
Astriddigitalhalogen on February 16th, 2002 05:31 am (UTC)
Ha, ha. Did I meantion that I didn't make the play either, if it helps at all? XD Stupid paste command...
DrWormdrworm on February 17th, 2002 12:58 pm (UTC)
RHS Drama is exceptionally bitchy, and I've never quite understood why. Why does everyone want to prove how cool they are by being... um... idiots? Because no one at our school is exceptionally talented, and none of the people in Drama Guild are cool anyway. I have a profound urge to crash a practice and yell "You are all DORKS!"

So... in conclusion... we don't need them! Yes, they can go take a long walk off a short dock. Although I'd, personally, give back the nun's stuff if I was you. Like you said... why would anyone want to keep it? Either that or burn it.

Still, I think it was cool that you were in the musical. You have an awesomely pretty voice. I'm just sad that the musical was "...Black Patent Leather Shoes...?" and not something more... not sucky.

So... there's probably some saying about sour grapes being 'bad'... but who cares? Screw 'em! Screw 'em all! Fwahahahaha!