September 29th, 2001

diner friends

Sometimes life is just fucking frustrating...

I hate not knowing where things stand. That's why I hate the mail. Because I can't track it. I can't sit down and say "I know where this letter is and where this package it". Noooo-oooo. It's all guesswork. >.< I'm just shooting blind now.

Me: Whooo-hooo! *sifting through mail* Package for me!

Laguna: Yes! Is it that doujinshi? *peers over my shoulder*

Me: I dunno yet.

Squall: Don't you know who sent it?

Me: *blush* I don't remember.

Squall: *tsks* You're not very perceptive.

Me: *blushing harder* Well, we'll know once we open it.

Laguna: Yes, yes, yes! Go on, open it!

Me: *tearing the paper* Oh...

Squall: Well?

Me: *awkward pause* It's the Trigun doujin.

Squall and Laguna: Hmph.

Me: I'm sorry! >.< I thought that got mailed /after/ your doujin!

Laguna: Maybe they really did confiscate it.

Me: -___- Oh god... don't say that.
  • Current Music
    'Lady Marmalade' again... with a Black Lady skin...

I need a new free email provider...

As in, doesn't even seem to exist anymore >.< Oh fuck...

When I don't need a new address I can always find about fifty that I like. When I do need a new address I can find nothing. This blows.

Any suggestions?
  • Current Music
    'Elephant Medley'-Moulin Rouge soundtrack(Squall 'n Griever)

Winamp is so wonderfully psychic...

Kaworu and Shinji in an embrace for the song 'Come What May'. ^____^ Maybe it is stupidly appropriate while being not appropriate at the same time, but still... it's the cutest freaking skin ever...

Sigh... *eyes sparkle* I need... I need to get laid. Zero, where are you?
  • Current Music
    'Come What May'- Moulin Rouge soundtrack

You can now email me at...

If you are so inclined... Thanks to kemayo for being so kind as to inform me of this place., folk... should you be so inclined for this too...

I would also like to announce that I now have a good Laguna skin and about four Aburatsubo skins. Things seem to be looking up... for the time being...
  • Current Music
    'Learning How to Smile'- Everclear

Ok... now I'm really pissed off

Fuck all arrogant fan fiction readers.

I just received a rather cryptic review for my story 'A Joyful Alleluia', which is a Heero and Trowa (1x3) love story.

From: "Kate" (no email or other id given)

"I will murder you if you have Heero rape Trowa. Warning. You shall be killed for such blatant disrespect of my insanity. Eh, maybe not kill *blows perfectly manicured nails* after all, I have better things to do with MY time. I will just hire someone. Don't say I did't warn you. Sorry, I just get really pissed if I read a good romance, then the author has the nerve to ruin it. Thats like someone getting a divine insperation for a peice of art, then slashing it to peices. (no pun intended, if I had something against slash *why* would I read this if i had anything against slash)"

So... why did does this piss me off? At first, it struck me as being rather humorous... someone just mockingly suggesting where the story should go next. And then, the more I read it, the more it became openly hostile.

What. The. Fuck. You're threatening me over something I haven't even written yet? Look, if I already have an ending in mind, I will not change it. Not for this chick, not for my best friend, not for fucking *God Almighty*. This story is the most personal, most emotional, and by far the longest thing I've ever written (clocking in so far at 38 and 1/2 pages, Times New Roman, 10 point font, single spaced. And, no, it's not finished). Despite how monsterous it has become, it is still my baby. No matter how much I hate it or love it, it's still my child and changing it in any fashion not intended to help the plot would be like compromising a part of myself (spelling and grammatical editing is ok, major plot changes are a no-no).

And secondly... where in the world is this idea of Heero raping Trowa coming from? *Grabs story 'Just Breathe'* Here it is. Here is *the only* Heero raping Trowa story I've ever written! Right there! No where else! And it's not even really rape because Trowa consents! I swear to god! Moving on! AJA is clearly (at least in my mind) meant to be a love story between Heero and Trowa!

Hey...gee... here look. Heero's thoughts from the most recent chapter:

"Trowa, Trowa, Trowa. I want you, I’m in love with you, fuck me, let me fuck you. I want everything. I want it all.

I want us to be equal."

Now honestly. Those are not the thoughts of a character that's making any plans to rape another.

' “I’m glad you did, Trowa. I trust you.” I felt his sharp intake of breath, and the slight pause of hesitation he took before responding.

“I trust you too, Heero. More…more than you would ever believe.” A single, solitary kiss graced the inside of my neck. “And I’m glad you took care of me…I’m glad you still do take care of me.” Another kiss, this time to my temple. “I wouldn’t have made it without you, Heero.” '

What about that? Trust... goddammit, mutual trust!!!!!!!!!! Does this actually sound like Heero's going to try to fuck Trowa against his will anytime soon? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

That last chapter was about the sappiest, happy-fucked, raw emotional thing I've ever written. For christ's sake, they're *hugging and kissing*! For the first time in the entire 12 chapter story! It's almost sweet! Where is this 'rape' idea coming from anyway?

I'll admit it... I am somewhat notorious for writing about really unpleasent things, abuse and rape ranking near the top. Why? Well... I've had my share of unhappiness. I know things like depression, manic-depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, suicide, and self-loathing pretty much in and out. Being miserable was (is...) almost a hobby.

But goddamn... Trowa already got his rape in AJA. That was not the ending I had planned at all...

Makes me want to write it that way just out of spite...

Yes, I'm aware that I'm an arrogant fan fiction writer. But not reader. Never reader. When you write it, you have every right to be arrogant about it. If you're just reading it... well, fuck you. I don't really care about your opinion. Whether you liked it or not.

That's all I really have to say...
  • Current Music
    'Brown-Eyed Girl'- Everclear (Vash skin)

Nothing's happening...


Frustration vented slightly. Mission not quite accomplished yet.

Zoot has become icon of choice because he is my 'angry, unhappy, fucked-over' icon. Still hot though.

Someone write Zoot and Bray together and just make my damn year.
  • Current Music
    'Wonderful'- Everclear