February 15th, 2002

zoot

(no subject)

I am so unhappy. And it's so fucking petty. I hate feeling unhappy and stupid and WORTHLESS over petty things.

But I do. I didn't make the play, which makes me both angry and depressed. It's such a judgement and I hate it. "Here you are and... you suck! Ok?" And I'm so fucking mad about that because I know that I'm better than most of the people who got cast. I know. I know it because I've been doing theatre for damn near five years, I know it because I am almost always given a part, a decent part, in community plays. I know it because I don't have to think about it, because I don't have to analyze it to death like the rest of this teenage crap. Because I can go out in front of people and simply become another person. It's that easy for me. No thought involved. No stilted lines, no sounding like I'm reading from a script. Just talking, just feeling.

So, the alternative is that they are pissed off at me for some goddamned fucking stupid reason. 'Kay, fine. Stupid bitches. Here's the deal, sweeties: you aren't real actresses. Neither of you. I don't have to listen to your opinion and I don't have to believe it. Because you are high school drama teachers. About as far down the line of professional as you can get.

You are pathetic. You are old and sad and I'll bet you never got what you wanted or expected out of life. It's not my damn problem.

Not to say that my acting is better than yours, not to say that my acting is something better than a great many people's. But you are picking people you can mold and shape into your own little proteges. I won't be one. I refuse.

Fuck you.

I also got a 'C' on my math test... when I thought I understood everything that I was doing. I did, I thought I did. But I didn't. I was so mad that I bit and scratched up my hand. First self-mutilation I've done in a few weeks.

But I'm so worthless and I'm not at all special. I feel like I have nothing and can accomplish nothing. I feel like I disappoint everyone... all I want to do is please other people but I can't even do that... I can't please myself. I just want to die. I hate it, I hate everything, I just want to get out of here. I want to feel like someone would care if I just disappeared, but it doesn't feel that way.

This depressing entry does not look right against this cheerful background. Out of place. Like me.
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