September 8th, 2002


Dear world...

Please excuse me from AP English homework as my brain is not happy with the idea of anything resembling conceptual work. Especially not concerning "The Handmaid's Tale".

I may have to look into the speech feature on this computer...
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I don't understand

I'm so scared. Of everything. Of structure, of school, of my life. I'm scared of not being able to do what I want to do. I'm scared because all I want to do is draw, but I can't stand the way I draw. I'm afraid of food, and everytime I eat I feel guilty. I'm afraid of anything new or strange. I'm afraid to be myself because I'm so sure I'm a bad person. Or an annoying person. Or a frightening person.
It's when I start becoming scared like this that I wonder whether life is worth living. I just want to be a good person. I want to be good at what I do. I want people to like me. But I'm so insecure that I go out in public and I'm absolutely positive I'm being talked about behind my back. I'm so afraid of being alone, but I'm afraid of other people too.
And I'm always so sure that nothing I do is ever good enough. And I feel guilty because I can't always do things for other people. I'm not the most reliable person on this planet.
I hate myself so much sometimes, but I don't know how to change. I don't know how to be happy without feeling frightened at the same time. And I'm disappointed by commercialism, I'm disappointed in America. I hate feeling like I'm part of a nation of idiots and pigs without real problems. Do I even have problems? I shouldn't feel this way, should I?
I've just been feeling so alone and unstable lately. Happy, sad, scared, content. Happy, sad, scared, content.
Just ranting.
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