September 23rd, 2002


Oh man...

I'm having another one of those "I'd rather die than go back to school!" evenings. This isn't just simple not wanting to go, it's "I'm fucking terrified, please kill me now!"

And I don't know why I'm so scared. Do other people get this scared? I mean, I'm really frightened. I feel like... like I have all these responsibilities and things I absolutely, positively need to do and I don't think I can. I'm afraid I can't. And I think tomorrow is supposed to be a field trip to the art museum, but I missed today, and I'm supposed to have a quiz tomorrow in public speaking and I hate that class. And I've already missed two play practices and I only get to miss three total. And I still have math to do from over the weekend. And then I'll have two more math assignments to do and I'm afraid I won't know how to do them. And I still have to finish the background on my art homework. And instead of just being annoyed or bored or unhappy I get really scared. And I no longer have any time to draw what I want to draw or just vegetate without feeling so afraid.

I hate school so, so much because I'm so scared of it. Last year I guess I didn't really care, but this year maybe I do care. Or I'm sure that I'm going to be failing classes. Or I'm just so afraid of having to move on and leave high school soon. I'm afraid everything will change. But I don't want everything to change because then I lose my security. I want to feel safe, but I don't.

I seem to write a lot of entries like this.
  • Current Mood
    scared scared