September 25th, 2002



My life has officially been taken over by homework. Calculus, English, Latin... Art, if I'm lucky. At some point I suppose I'll have to pull together a speech for Public Speaking.

I am, by nature, a lazy person. Or, rather, I guess I'm a creative person who has no problem doing things that hold my immediate interest, but balks at anything involving real work. The past few years of school have involved almost no work on my part. In general, I could breeze through classes doing the occasional worksheet and listening only when convenient to me. It was a fairly good set-up from my point of view, as it required me to do the minimum amount of work while getting an A and still having time to draw, goof-off, sleep, have fun, etc.

Apparently, this year is working on shattering my comfort zone. It feels like all of my time is spent sleeping, doing homework, or sitting in class. All I'm focused on is whether I have homework to do and how far away the weekend is. All I want these days is time off. Two or three days to do my homework instead of one. Add to this the oppressive cloud of fear hanging over my head, and you find me huddled beneath layers of blankets rocking back and forth while clutching a stuffed animal and crying (this is true). More and more I find myself thinking "I can't do this".

I really am sorry that most of my posts lately have just been me whining but, like I said, all I'm doing right now is being stressed by school. There's not a lot else to be said right now, and I'm definitely running out of ways to express my fears. Thank you, thank you, thank you as always to people who offer support or encouragement; it is very much appreciated. I can't even express how appreciated it really is... thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Scared again

The fact is that my being scared seems to happen with extreme regularity these days. So it should be easy for anyone reading to pick and choose what they want to read. My father has begun to do this, as he's stopped offering actual comfort in favor of shrugging and indicating that he'll be with me just as soon as there's a commercial break.

Ok, that was an exaggeration. And a mean one. But there's some truth to it. Since I'm sad every night and since I cry every night and since I can't find any words to describe what I'm feeling and since it's just the same issues over and over... it has become rather pathetically routine. And since neither of us knows quite what to do, we have abandoned action in favor of doing nothing and letting me sit in my little, sniveling heap on the floor.

And because he's not home right now, it just becomes me... sitting on the floor watching Saturday Night Live or Conan O'Brien and trying to do my homework, but crying when I can't figure out a problem or when I'm just feeling scared or depressed. It's really stupid. And I feel like such a dope because so many people are trying really, really hard to be nice to me... and it isn't as if they have to be (let it be known; you don't). And I'm sure a lot of people want to give me a good, hard slap and tell me to snap out of it... And, god, if I could I would... But it's almost like being controlled by something else. I feel entirely out of control because my feelings seem to change so rapidly.


I leave this alone for forty minutes and I feel slightly better. So I'll just go.

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