October 28th, 2003



"I tell you that I'll always want you near/You say that things change, my dear." - Tori Amos

I keep posting out of boredom, procrastination, and nervous energy. But mostly nervous energy. Worry. God, I'm so frustrated.

Color concepts lies forgotten on my floor.

I'm so unhappy. I wish I wasn't. I wish people would stop telling me to push on, that "this too shall pass." What if it doesn't? And what am I pushing myself toward? Life feels very hopeless right now. I feel like the future is just this giant void, a million years of nothing spread out before me.

God, it would be so easy... I'm four floors up, there's no screen in my window... I could jump. Maybe I wouldn't die, but something would happen, right? It would take away my worry and my guilt and my whatever.

It's cold outside. And I look out the window at an entire city of people who have their own busy lives and their own problems. I wonder where I get off acting like this, threatening suicide, cutting myself, hurting myself so that I can in turn hurt others and get some sort of attention that isn't a fucking pat on the back and "nice job, you're very talented"... there's a whole big city outside my window, filled with thousands of people, but none of them are the right person at all and it's not fair.

I don't want to be so far away and I don't want to keep having misunderstandings and fights and I never want to hurt your feelings.

"But all I can think about is how much I miss my cats..."
  • Current Music
    Tori Amos - Raspberry Swirl