December 17th, 2003

fuck you

"Spoiled all, spoiled all..."

I did have a happy, bouncy entry worked out last night. But I no longer smell of coconuts and so it isn't relevant.

I hate being ignored. There is nothing worse for me. I'd rather be hated. Being ignored means that someone just doesn't care, or is actively trying not to care, and that is the most hurtful thing I can think of.

I'm so unhappy. It's like... trying to be the comforter when you need to be comforted. It only works for so long before you feel like you're going to snap. It's stupid and it's not self-sufficient or independent, but I don't care. I need to be protected, I need to have my hand held, I need to be walked through things step by step because I can't do them by myself. I honestly need people just to hug me and tell me that I'm good. I don't need to have my efforts pushed aside, because then what's the point of trying? I've been thinking about it, turning it around in my head, writing little essays about being supportive and getting better and love and needing things and needing people... but you know what?

Fuck it. I have my own problems, I have my own goals. I'm not a goddamned charity. There's no reason for me to feel guilty or responsible. There's no reason for me to care. So I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to get my own fucking life, or I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sure which is more productive.

I hate myself. I hate the behavior that I can't control. And if there were somebody else here with me, we would be having the most awful screaming row right now. I'm so mad.
  • Current Music
    Weezer - You Gave Your Love to me Softly
diner friends

ARGH.

Why do people assume that when I do something weird I'm being stupid? Or I'm just plain wrong? Or that I haven't considered the 'normal' or 'conventional' way of doing things?

I buy generic Cool Whip and put it in the freezer because I like it that way. I'm not dumb. Stop moving my stuff around! Stop telling me how to do things! Stop being condescending to me! Everything I do I do for a reason and if you don't see that reason... fuck. you.

This goes for people who have stupid shit to say about my fics, my art, my personality, and my ideas here online as well. If I do something a certain way, I'm doing it for a reason that I am generally fully aware of and that makes sense. Don't try to point out that I'm not doing it the usual way or the way that make sense to you. I don't care. (Still, feel free to criticize... if you are able to do so constructively and correctly.)

I'm already royally pissed off, don't make it worse.
  • Current Mood
    bitchy bitchy