December 25th, 2003


Okaaaaay. *deep breaths*

I got myself reallysupermad and worked up over something legitimate earlier today... but I sort of swallowed it, since all this Christmas shit seems to imply that I should be nice, or at least refrain from insulting people for a day or two.

And then I get thrown into a delicate situation when all I'm feeling is impatient and bitchy. And, not too surprisingly, every word that gets to me just fuels the impatience and the intolerance and the sarcasm which, nonono, not allowed to do anymore. It's beyond getting my feelings hurt; it's just plain apathy now. When you find yourself staring at the computer screen at one-thirty am and thinking "why do I care?" then it probably means there's more wrong than can be fixed.

Mm. Pity.

Can I buy a gun yet? What's the age limit in America? I don't feel like looking this up.

Or, better yet, someone else could buy me a gun. You can probably even get it back once I'm finished with it. You know... Merry fucking Christmas and stuff.
  • Current Music
    Velvet Underground - Stephanie Says

*lazy sighs*

Now I want to sleep. Stupid body. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I was probably up until four-thirty or five this morning, rocking violently back and forth and smacking my hands around as I tried to get rid of the feeling that my muscles were trying to move without my telling them to. I don't know how to explain it, exactly, but it's very unpleasant and painful. I'm not even sure where it came from... I can feel it sometimes when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep, but usually I toss around a little and kick at the covers and it goes away. Last night/this morning... it just lasted for hours. Finally, I went and I took an antibiotic that is apparently designed to knock you out. I also realized that the muscle relaxants I had expired, like, four years ago. Which is a pity, as I could probably use a steady diet of those.

Whatever happened to keeping Valium in the house? Everything is non-drowsy these days.

Oi. Christmas. What I want for Christmas is not to be such a damn nutcase anymore. What I got was Pirates of the Carribean on dvd, an mp3 player, some money, yet another gift certificate to All Media (I never spend enough money there to justify gift certificates. Whatever happened to gift cards for Hot Topic, Best Buy, Borders... huh?), and... stuff. Stationary, notebooks, the sorts of things that are very nice, but that I never use. My grandmere also sent a scrapbook of my kiddie drawings and some pictures of me and my father (hehehe, blackmail... I have his, like, first grade class picture now! He's missing teeth!). Oh, and a book on Italy. That was good. And some candy.

It was a really 'ehhh...' sort of Christmas. I watched Pirates and wandered around trying to hold back tears. After Pirates, I gave up and took an almost nap, wherein I almost fell asleep. Talked to the people who claim to be related to me. Apparently my cousin, Jo, has met Sean Astin. Apparently he invited her to work on his next project... which is non-profit. But, my cousin is not Sean Astin, and she really needs to get paid for her time. Sad...

And I just got a picture in my email from panther. Commence guilt... I am now officially the worst person in the world.
  • Current Music
    Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness