January 14th, 2004

precious

Motherfuck

Well, now I feel seriously guilty for backing out on the classes. But I can't feel too guilty for too long because I can barely see straight and that tends to put a damper on any sort of "guilt."

I'm not sure whether I've ever described the symptoms of my particular drug withdrawal, but they include further mood instability with a tendency to cry over anything and everything, dizziness, shaking/chills, stomach contractions (which, I assume, led to the vomiting last week), and headaches. Pleasant. But, since it always takes a few days for the medication to leave my system, I tend to take the medication for a few days, stop until the symptoms start, and then start taking it again. Really stable. Obviously, I should just take the medication regularly... it would probably make things a lot easier. But I don't. I don't entirely know why I don't, but right now it's bordering on spite. Of course, it isn't really hurting anyone but me... so what?

Anyway, I got all panicky last night... left my house at around nine and drove to the crisis center. And just sat in the parking lot for ten or fifteen minutes. I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car... I was too sure that I'd go in and they'd tell me that it was all my problem, that I was just lazy or a coward, that I didn't actually need help from anyone else. Went home. Screamed a little, cried a lot, cut myself... my normal way of dealing with things.

Hypothermia is starting to sound most feasible. Stand in the shower in my clothes for a few minutes then go outside to a nice out of the way place and fall asleep. Hopefully not wake up.

This is just pathetic. God, I hate me.

ETA: Thank you to the people who keep reading the shit I dredge up and have yet to completely hate me. Special thanks to people who keep replying... if I was a better person, I get the feeling I would be able to articulate something a bit more meaningful than just 'thank you' ... as it stands, though, that's all I've got. Sorry about that.
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