January 21st, 2004

unreasonable

Nobody cares...

Or, rather, the right people never seem to care. Or care enough. Or care at all. God, I need to get out of this. I'm not the one benefiting, I'm just getting hurt as I keep telling myself that it's okay or that it's all my problem.

Since Friday evening, I've been in the crisis residence place that I was in at the end of October/beginning of November when I left school. The same place I drove out to and sat in the parking lot for ten minutes about a week ago. I'll probably be there another day or two, not sure. Am at home for a couple of hours to check email and take care of my rats. Medication stablization is what it mostly is; I guess I'll have a caseworker in a couple of weeks to deal with that. Of course, I went in for severe depression and persistantly thinking about how I could die... anyway. So far, I haven't really been eating or sleeping well. Today I had an apple, a slice of bread with peanut butter on it, and two cups of coffee. And, yes, they do provide breakfast, lunch, dinner, and an evening snack. I just don't eat them. It feels kind of good. Props to me, anorexia will be a nice addition to my problems if I can manage it.

So. Bored. Lonely. No Internet access there, so don't ask. I get really lonely because I feel so expendable. And of course, if you're expendable... why does it matter if you're anywhere? Ha. There are louder people there, people with more urgent needs, pushier people. Sometimes I really want to talk to someone, but I'm too shy to bother anyone else. I sit and read and draw and do puzzles and wish someone was there to love me and care about me. When the Adderall wears off, I'm tense and nervous and unhappy. Moreso than usual.

As always, what a pleasant visit it has been.
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    sad