February 21st, 2004

precious

Utterly, utterly useless...

Me, that is.

I hated school so much while I was in it, but now I'm kind of lost without it. There are plenty of things I could do (or, more pressingly, should do), but I haven't... and I guess I won't. I'm deathly afraid that I'm just being lazy... but it's not that I don't want to do work, to do something. I'm not actually all that fond of spending the day staring at the ceiling. But the alternative is so much more frightening: working, interacting with people, failing. It's the failure that bothers me... the past two big things I've tried to do since high school have been big, fat FAILURES. And now I'm so frightened of leaving the house, going out among people, that I can barely request an application to work at such and such a place, let alone actually get and keep a job. It seems so simple and other people seem to be able to do it, but I seriously can't. I want to hyperventilate when I think about the responsibility, confusion, disorganization, flexibility, and interaction involved in having a job or going to school. The idea of having all of these factors thrown at me at once is more than I can handle and that's really sickening.

Plus, I've pretty much figured out that there are insects with greater social skills than I have. Sometimes I feel like that aspect of me is just profoundly retarded... the "acting like a vaguely normal human being" part of me. Can't interact sufficiently with others, generally misses emotional reactions, has difficulty understanding body language, physically isolates self, can't create or stick to any kind of schedule, can't manage to consistently perform daily/weekly tasks associated with grooming, pets, cleanliness, organization, and basic needs... yeah. I really, really suck. Sometimes I want to hit myself and tell me to start living in the same world as everyone else. I've always had a fairly rich fantasy world, being an only child who spent a lot of time by herself, but these days I spend far more time in my imaginary world than I do in a world that is (apparently) inhabited by other humans. I go through periods of blankness, unreality, emptiness... what have you. That can be disconcerting.

And then, usually, I really don't want to talk to other people. I'm sorry, mom, for not calling or emailing; I'm not mad or sad or vindictive. I'm not particularly anything. I just, honestly, have nothing to say. I don't know how to put that. I want to hide from the obligation, because fulfilling it is more awkward than not. I don't want to talk to anyone, really, because the expectation that I will actually say something is so high. I don't know. It's a bit apathetic. I wouldn't mind being with people, necessarily, so long as the effort expended on interaction isn't expected to be too great. Sometimes I'd rather just sit silently in the same room as my panther, as opposed to having a conversation... but at a distance, you can't do that. It makes me feel so incredibly clumsy and awkward, with my one word answers and little else to offer.

... this is just idiocy.
  • Current Music
    Vocal Majority - Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho
precious

Shock.

I don't know quite how to start this...

I found out, via hortonhearsawho, that a teacher at Roosevelt (the high school I graduated from last year) was killed yesterday morning in a car crash.

Her name was Leslie Leonard, although I suppose she'll always be "Miss Leonard" in most of our minds, and she was an English teacher. She was best known at the school for teaching a senior year only class that focused on creating and initiating community service projects.

I never had her, but it was impossible not to know who she was and not interact with her at least once. She really did treat every student as if they were really special and important, whether or not they were actually her student. She shared an office with my physics teacher, so my junior year I would see her all the time, as she was generally in and out of the room.

I don't know whether I should feel impacted or not. It's so sudden. Now I really feel blank. This really is a small town, and even though the high school wasn't small, there was a lot of effort to view it as a large (and sometimes dysfunctional) family. Certain faculty members were well known to everyone, whether or not you interacted with them in a formal classroom or office setting. Miss Leonard was one of them. And now she's not. And similar things happen every day to people who don't deserve it, people who cherish and make use of their lives and brighten the lives of others. And the crud of the earth goes on living. Why?

I think I'm going to go down to the school and see whether there are still people there. I feel like I have to do something now.
  • Current Mood
    shocked shocked