March 12th, 2004


*unhappy sighing*

The panther is very unhappy and, thus, I am also generally unhappy. I know, it's not a particularly emotionally healthy system... can't help it. Love is love is love and he's about the only person I can muster up empathy for. So I shall. Besides, it gives my suicide/mutilating side a taste of its own medicine... or at least that is what sommeone feeling cynical might say. Dunno if the medicine'll work too well, though, seeing as I'm in a bit of an "I should just slit my wrists and get out of everyone's way" mood lately myself. (This sounds so pathetically like a cry for attention, but I don't really regard it that way; it's more just me talking about my day. Other people mention what happened at work or what's going on in fandom... I'm just documenting my suicidal ideation and mood swings. Deal.)

I hate other people who get in the way... it's like being sneakily undermined by someone who thinks they're being nice. I want to push them away and say "Get away! You're not good enough for him!" Or, if I'm feeling even more possessive, "He's mine, mine, mine, and you are not allowed to try to take him!" There was one woman whom he emailed occasionally... I remember her first letter was so goddamn snotty that I instantly developed a grudge. And I hold pretty serious grudges... often against people I don't know, but have taken an instant dislike to because they have wronged my panther or (sometimes worse) he has taken a liking to them. Yes, I'm jumpy about being "left" ... I've gotten used to having it happen to me, so I perceive other people as a complete and utter threat, no matter how irrational that makes me. Hi, I'm Stephanie the Stalker! Oh well. I'm jumpy about a lot of perceived "threats," and since my instinct is to get defensive rather than reticent, I don't tend to be very popular or friendly (and now you know... ah, enlightenment).

Then there are the people who are nasty, and I just want to shake them and say "How dumb can you get, asshole?" I hate when someone's off-hand, stupid comment makes everything that I say that is actually true or good completely obsolete and unimportant. It's like they're actively stealing from me, and that's the most maddening thing ever.

Crying now. Ah, shit, shit, shit, why does it never stop?
  • Current Music
    Gackt - Marmalade
hey fuck you

Fuck everything...

Accomplished today: laundry, rat maintenance, reread The Phantom Tollbooth...

All between violent bursts of crying (haha, another one coming, I so suck).

I hate the fact that my father is back. He's not acknowledging my presence anyway, so I probably shouldn't be bothered, but just the fact that he's in the house is making me unhappy. Feels like I can't breathe; I got used to being able to actually live in my house instead of holing up in my little room and surviving on Diet Coke and the Internet.

God, I'm so sick of drowning my pillow in tears and snot. When will this just end? Never, never, never, and I'm so tired of these emotional maelstroms that I can't predict or control and that leave me feeling even more broken. I just want to go back in time to when I was still able to function sort of like a normal human being.

I whine too much, but I have no one else to talk to...
  • Current Music
    Prozzak - Infatuation