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08 September 2002 @ 08:21 pm
I don't understand  
I'm so scared. Of everything. Of structure, of school, of my life. I'm scared of not being able to do what I want to do. I'm scared because all I want to do is draw, but I can't stand the way I draw. I'm afraid of food, and everytime I eat I feel guilty. I'm afraid of anything new or strange. I'm afraid to be myself because I'm so sure I'm a bad person. Or an annoying person. Or a frightening person.
It's when I start becoming scared like this that I wonder whether life is worth living. I just want to be a good person. I want to be good at what I do. I want people to like me. But I'm so insecure that I go out in public and I'm absolutely positive I'm being talked about behind my back. I'm so afraid of being alone, but I'm afraid of other people too.
And I'm always so sure that nothing I do is ever good enough. And I feel guilty because I can't always do things for other people. I'm not the most reliable person on this planet.
I hate myself so much sometimes, but I don't know how to change. I don't know how to be happy without feeling frightened at the same time. And I'm disappointed by commercialism, I'm disappointed in America. I hate feeling like I'm part of a nation of idiots and pigs without real problems. Do I even have problems? I shouldn't feel this way, should I?
I've just been feeling so alone and unstable lately. Happy, sad, scared, content. Happy, sad, scared, content.
Just ranting.
Current Mood: scaredscared
Jakezeblith on September 8th, 2002 08:11 pm (UTC)
I feel like that too sometimes, just about every single part of it. I don't know what else to do but continue on with life, so that's what I end up doing, and just hoping that I can make a difference in someone else's life.
(Anonymous) on September 8th, 2002 10:24 pm (UTC)
"I have the power!"
Well, first off, I got here from your site through OC. I hope you don't mind, but if you do, I'll just slink back off to my little hole in the ground, and bury myself in dirt. Anyway, I'm not too sure how to respond to this, since I read it, and thought "holy mook, this is me", so trying to give you would be stupid and hypocritical of me. All I know is that it's all right to feel this way, but you've just got to keep a level head and have confidence in yourself, and you'll pull through. Oh blargh.. I'm doing it - my apologies.

But anyway, I've read through some of your entries, and although it really doesn't give me any grounds to say this, I don't believe you're a bad person. At OC, you're so supportive of others: helping them by giving encouraging comments to boost their egos, or by giving constructive criticism or tips that'll help them improve their skills. Taking the time and trouble to do so shows incredible generousity, and a bad person wouldn't bother doing that. So please don't think so lowly of yourself.. and oh, you are good at what you do - I recall seeing people say things like, "I've missed your art, Dr Worm!", or "Wow *_* your pics are always so great!", so obviously you're talented and your work is appreciated ;)

Anyhoo, my brain's smashed, but I hope I made some sense, and that I didn't completely miss the point. I'm afraid I've rambled nonsense again.. so I'll put myself out of my misery now. Take care, and I hope you feel better :)

The protector of italian virginityetiolate on September 8th, 2002 11:49 pm (UTC)
Well I find you interesting. Yet, at the same time still somewhat mysterious.