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25 September 2002 @ 08:41 pm
Scared again  
The fact is that my being scared seems to happen with extreme regularity these days. So it should be easy for anyone reading to pick and choose what they want to read. My father has begun to do this, as he's stopped offering actual comfort in favor of shrugging and indicating that he'll be with me just as soon as there's a commercial break.

Ok, that was an exaggeration. And a mean one. But there's some truth to it. Since I'm sad every night and since I cry every night and since I can't find any words to describe what I'm feeling and since it's just the same issues over and over... it has become rather pathetically routine. And since neither of us knows quite what to do, we have abandoned action in favor of doing nothing and letting me sit in my little, sniveling heap on the floor.

And because he's not home right now, it just becomes me... sitting on the floor watching Saturday Night Live or Conan O'Brien and trying to do my homework, but crying when I can't figure out a problem or when I'm just feeling scared or depressed. It's really stupid. And I feel like such a dope because so many people are trying really, really hard to be nice to me... and it isn't as if they have to be (let it be known; you don't). And I'm sure a lot of people want to give me a good, hard slap and tell me to snap out of it... And, god, if I could I would... But it's almost like being controlled by something else. I feel entirely out of control because my feelings seem to change so rapidly.


I leave this alone for forty minutes and I feel slightly better. So I'll just go.

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Jakezeblith on September 25th, 2002 08:27 pm (UTC)
Pressure is really difficult, I added one difficult class to my schedule and my whole world seems to be falling apart, so I can semi-sympathize semi-empathize. Gomen nasai about your dad, I feel really lucky to have parents that pay attention to me. I feel like a moron for just being myself, and it's depressing. Sometimes I do wish I could cry though, I definitely have the means and emotion to, but, for some reason I never can. So, my consolances and comforts, and I'm usually around if you want to talk or something:)