Today I said that I was "too shy" to do something. And I was. That's the odd thing. Because I am, much of the time, annoying, to the point, in your face.
And too shy.
Often I feel like a chameleon. I can actually pinpoint certain times when I've changed myself, my style, my attributes to fit into some sort of mold... either an unconscious one or one I set for myself. Sometimes I just feel like the great imitator. And this constant switching of personalities and personas and voices and feelings worries me.
On the other hand, I'm a hypochondriac, and I tend to take something small and blow it way out of proportion. Sometimes I really do hear voices... but they don't tell me to do anything specific, so I guess it's all right. Maybe it's normal. I have my manic days and my depressive days. Maybe that's normal too. I'm overly competitive in things you shouldn't even be competitive in... but I'm almost positive that's close to normal. My thoughts are often not terribly coherent, and not always in a good way. I suppose the only blessing is that I can still understand my own rambling, even years later.
I worry about putting burdens on people, I guess, because I've become more and more unreliable, unhappy and simply unwilling to do anything that doesn't interest me directly. I've backed out of a lot of different things this year, just because I found myself volunteering and then later not having the interest/energy to live up to my promises. Also, since I tend to have interesting mood swings, that's... not... good.
Speaking of mood swings... hyperwiredcrazytech person is taking over the controls to my brain. Serious and speculative is being pushed off. Never mind, Gotta jet. Leavin' on a jet plane. Halleluiah.
I think I may carve myself a bracelet tonight...