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05 September 2003 @ 01:06 am
It's too fucking hard...  
You people are all a fucking test, I swear.

Why is it so hard for other people to see that I'm unhappy? This is so weird. You could be around me right now and not know it. None of my roommates see it. I'm acting perfectly normal. I even got assigned "Duo" in the Gundam Wing lineup (I traded for Heero of course). Perky, cheerful, yeah that's really me. (And doesn't that make us sound like such dorks?)

Anyway, I'm not happy. I feel like someone punched a giant hole in my chest and pulled out every real emotion I should have. And I'm not really used to my emotions being all that subtle. But this unhappiness is so subtle that apparently even people very close to me (ha... and who are these "people" that I speak of?) don't see it. No one but me. So when it rears up suddenly as anger, irritation, guilt, fear, jealousy, it gets met with this strange sort of bewilderment. People expect to see this coming, I guess, but I'm not giving off warnings anymore. I'm just bottling things up until I reach some sort of snapping point.

I barely reacted to moving to Columbus. Everything was last minute, just flooding out in a rush. And it was certainly short-lived (half an hour, anyone?). After that, it just retreated to become this burning sensation behind my eyes that I can't understand. I'm scared and alone and I feel like I'm hurting people because I want to keep them away from me. I'm used to keeping to myself... I'm not used to sharing so much so constantly with people and I'm not used to the limitations of other people's perceptions. Should other people be noticing? Or am I expecting too much again? I'm so confused. I feel sick. People I thought I loved lied to me before, probably still lie to me, and I don't know how to feel about that.
Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: Prozzäk - www.NeverGetOverYou.com