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15 September 2003 @ 05:01 am
Fuck you.  
Yes. It does hurt. And I don't want to feel guilty for letting it. But I do.

Yes. I do know what I want. And all my life I've been talked down to, told what I should want and what I shouldn't, what I do and what I don't. And everytime someone tells me what I want or what I need, they're wrong. No one listens. Parents, friends, therapists... no one listens, really listens, because they don't want to hear the truth. Maybe they've heard it all before.

I go back to December and see it all over again and wonder whether I should have gone straight instead of turning. Almost nine months ago, but it's the clearest thing in my memory, moreso than yesterday. What would I have missed? All those times when I curled my toes over the precipice, what made me turn back? When no one cared until the very last moment, what held me until that moment?

It feels like I'm being choked. It's what I get for wanting to know, right? Talk about people not listening, when it was mostly me. I did the dishes because I clean when I'm angry and the last pan cut my finger. I bled. I wonder what that means.
Current Mood: hurting
The protector of italian virginityetiolate on September 15th, 2003 02:45 am (UTC)
Though I do not know what your anger stems from, it means you deal with anger like a housewife. =p
DrWorm: brightdrworm on September 15th, 2003 04:00 am (UTC)
I'd make a lousy housewife, though, if you had to make me mad to get me to clean...
(Deleted comment)
DrWorm: squallxlagunadrworm on September 15th, 2003 10:03 am (UTC)
*is hugged*

Is it kind freaky, though? I mean, I stomp around cleaning and throwing things around with a huge scowl on my face, tears in the eyes, whatever... at least semi-productive things sometimes get done, I suppose.
Pete: There's more fuck-me-Freddy days.glorybox on September 15th, 2003 02:45 pm (UTC)
Interestingly enough, I also clean when I'm angry.

To whatever hurt you: I hope it catches Ebola. *hugs*
DrWorm: squallxlagunadrworm on September 15th, 2003 07:52 pm (UTC)
... it must be some sort of hormone thing, this cleaning...

And I think I hurt myself through my own expectations. But I wouldn't want the person who's in the middle of my schizo mood swings to get Ebola. The flu would be okay, I think... I wish for flu.