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26 September 2003 @ 11:18 pm
Goodbye cruel world  
Because, you know, I don't really need all this shit. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I do have better things to do in my life and, let's face it, the online community wastes my time and my energy.

I'm so mad right now I don't know whether to cry or just lash out impulsively, let my words be the knives and guns that our communal society morals won't allow me to actually turn on other people. (Oh, but it will let me turn them on myself, won't it? Suicide might be a crime, but you can't punish a person who's successful, so what's the fucking point?)

I suppose I'll just leave with some words of Eden-wisdom: "...the more vulnerability you see, the more you just wanna destroy..."

And I have better things to do then feel guilty for being me.

ETA: SHIT. I didn't realize how... bad this sounded (in retrospect "goodbye cruel world" wasn't the best way to begin). I just go through fits of temporary insanity when I'm angry and confused. This was meant to be more sarcastic, I suppose. I just felt like I needed a break. Naturally, I have big problems breaking from the Internet, so we'll see how long THAT lasts.
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Tori Amos - Cruel
There will be snacks!!: idealhomeoneirus on September 26th, 2003 10:05 pm (UTC)
Ah. But you're one of my very favorite LJ-ites.. and have you SEEN the ungodly number of people I try to keep up with?
ghostgecko on September 26th, 2003 10:10 pm (UTC)
No, no, no!
Goddamn, my computer went black on me again and I tried logging back on for a half hour.
Please, please don't do this to me!
VimesLady: Sinkvimeslady on September 27th, 2003 12:32 am (UTC)
Oh gods, someone besides me who reacts to anger at others with thoughts of hurting herself. Been there, and it's hell.

It's kinda ironic, or sad, or something, that I've been going all mushy the past couple days about how the online community has been here to support me at a time when some of the real life people who should be closest to me are being... not nice at all. But I've been in the reversed situation, where it sounds like you are, when online 'friends' (HA!) shredded me.

A couple years ago there was this deranged b*tch who decided to dedicate hour after hour to screaming about what a horrible, lying, psychotic person I am. What I did to piss her off was to befriend people she felt had 'done her wrong' -- all of it guilt by association.

I do have a reason for bringing this up -- I learned a very important lesson. It is possible to 'walk away'. It ain't easy, but it is possible. Stopped defending myself, stopped visiting any forum she was likely to visit, deleted her e-mails unread. Walked away.

It took a long time, but now, when I look back on it, I can't imagine why I allowed this psycho to cause me so much anguish.

So what I'm asking is, can you separate yourself from whatever bullshit has befallen you without giving up on the whole online community? 'Cause there are those of us who think you're terrific and outstandingly talented, and we'd really miss you.
Evil Asian Geniuseag on September 27th, 2003 12:35 am (UTC)
Hey! I just recently friended you since you had friended me...

To sound selfish, I just started reading your journal, and you killing yourself now would be inopportune. Perhaps you might want to consider waiting until I can get to know you better? ^^;;

Joking aside, it may be worth considering seeking professional counsel. I know I don't know jackshit about the details and should probably not be butting my silly head in, but if it's that serious, it's probably worth looking into.

So, in sum: Please don't die?