And I've realized that I don't want to even hear someone make a joke about it, or a half-joke, or say anything like "I'd be a lousy parent; I'd probably beat my kids." This goes double for a male. Because as soon as I hear a remark like that, I get scared. My hackles rise for the children I'm not sure I'll have. And the only man I feel like I can trust almost all of the time is my father and it will only ever be my father.
I don't consider myself a feminist, but I definitely have real problems with men that I don't have with women, beyond the obvious. Unconsciously, I basically don't trust and don't like half the population based on gender alone. Boys are stupid and men are threatening and I don't really want to have my emotions and my sense of self subjected to their scrutiny. I know that there are nice men out there, but it's almost an abstract concept. What is 'nice?' Someone who doesn't hit their kids or their wife? Except that the most abusive people I have ever known have never used physical violence. I'm a gullible person, but I'm not particularly trusting... and I have been through (and have dished out) enough manipulation to know when it's happening again.
I hate being torn apart by our own jealousy and fear and selfish possessiveness and insane need for competition. I get tired of self-deprecation from the both of us and the resulting ping pong matches of insults and praise. But most of all, I just hate the mixed signals; it's like being kept in a cage. It's like being at a point where I can't move forward to where I want to go, but can't move back so I can try to start over. I just don't understand...
"We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To Thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!" - Paul Lawrence Dunbar