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28 November 2003 @ 03:10 am
... grrr.  
I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, tight as fuck, pathetically simple-minded, dribbling child!
What are you?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Hey! I'm not liberal! >:D

So, can I hate fandom? Is that, like, okay? Actually, screw 'okay.' I hate fandom. All fandom. Everywhere fandom. Except for the two-person happy fandom where you can come up with just about anything and it still seems to work and screw the rest of the world.

Don't try to understand that. I'm not sure I do, and I typed it.

I mean, hell, I feel useless and stupid anyway. Poking around in all this new fan stuff that's been happening while I've been ignoring everything except Crispin and Shadow of the Thin Man is further killing my ego. It's an awful, selfish sort of sinking sensation that comes in two parts:

1. The stuff that people like and read (or look at, in the case of art) is not mine... nor is it anything like the stuff that I do/used to do. (not as if that's a big surprise or anything...)
2. The stuff that people do like...? I usually can/could/do do it better (or at least match the quality of whatever is presented). Often way, way better.

It feels very unfair. Not that life is ever fair, I know this. That doesn't make the unfair feeling go away. I guess... I don't know. Depression, depression, depression. I want to cry, but not because of this. *waves hands* It's this helplessness, weakness, listlessness, self-hatred. Battling every emotion and hating myself for feeling as if I have to fight any battles in the first place. Something like this is like... placeholder bitching. I'm upset, but not so much because of this... just because of lots of things. What the fuck is my problem, anyway?
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Prozzak - Wild Thing