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17 December 2003 @ 02:56 pm
"Spoiled all, spoiled all..."  
I did have a happy, bouncy entry worked out last night. But I no longer smell of coconuts and so it isn't relevant.

I hate being ignored. There is nothing worse for me. I'd rather be hated. Being ignored means that someone just doesn't care, or is actively trying not to care, and that is the most hurtful thing I can think of.

I'm so unhappy. It's like... trying to be the comforter when you need to be comforted. It only works for so long before you feel like you're going to snap. It's stupid and it's not self-sufficient or independent, but I don't care. I need to be protected, I need to have my hand held, I need to be walked through things step by step because I can't do them by myself. I honestly need people just to hug me and tell me that I'm good. I don't need to have my efforts pushed aside, because then what's the point of trying? I've been thinking about it, turning it around in my head, writing little essays about being supportive and getting better and love and needing things and needing people... but you know what?

Fuck it. I have my own problems, I have my own goals. I'm not a goddamned charity. There's no reason for me to feel guilty or responsible. There's no reason for me to care. So I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to get my own fucking life, or I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sure which is more productive.

I hate myself. I hate the behavior that I can't control. And if there were somebody else here with me, we would be having the most awful screaming row right now. I'm so mad.
Current Mood: infuriatedinfuriated
Current Music: Weezer - You Gave Your Love to me Softly
Little Whittles Her Log Foot: becominglittle_whittles on December 17th, 2003 12:29 pm (UTC)

Killing yourself isn't very productive, I don't think.
DrWorm: just like medrworm on December 18th, 2003 08:22 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I know... but some days it just feels like it's the better option.

*hugs back* Thanks, yo.
Little Whittles Her Log Footlittle_whittles on December 18th, 2003 08:24 pm (UTC)
I know, sometimes it does seem like a good option. Stoopid unproductive death!
DrWorm: vashdrworm on December 18th, 2003 08:30 pm (UTC)
True... once you die, you aren't good for much... >_> Can't rule the world when you're dead.

Adamadamchristopher on December 17th, 2003 12:52 pm (UTC)
This is a great entry, and I can totally identify with your position. I'm sorry it's a hard day for you. Hang in there, another one's on the way. :)
DrWorm: vashdrworm on December 18th, 2003 08:25 pm (UTC)
Argh, that's what I'm afraid of. Another day. Heh.

This is a great entry

It is? Wow. That makes me feel almost productive. :D Thanks! ... I guess.
Adamadamchristopher on December 18th, 2003 11:10 pm (UTC)
Yeah! And hey, any writing is productive really, since you're virtually guaranteed to resonate with somebody. :)
VimesLady: Darknessvimeslady on December 17th, 2003 02:31 pm (UTC)
"I need to be walked through things step by step because I can't do them by myself."

I hate that feeling. When it was time to pack and leave the hotel in Los Angeles, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it by myself. My friend had to come and help me figure what to do in what order and help me stay on track instead of panicking.

**hugs** *and actively not ignoring you* People who push your efforts aside? It's their loss.
DrWorm: chaosdrworm on December 18th, 2003 08:28 pm (UTC)
Argh, I know. I can talk about what I need to get done, I can make plans and lists and look up information... but actually doing something? It's like... people have to pick up the phone for me and dial and force it up against my ear. And I still panic. And people get puzzled because they don't see what the big deal is. Ah, well.

*lots of hugs back* Thank you so, so much for the support, though...
ghostgecko on December 17th, 2003 05:18 pm (UTC)
Is this me? If so, please don't hate me. I just have bad days.