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14 January 2004 @ 11:31 pm
Well, now I feel seriously guilty for backing out on the classes. But I can't feel too guilty for too long because I can barely see straight and that tends to put a damper on any sort of "guilt."

I'm not sure whether I've ever described the symptoms of my particular drug withdrawal, but they include further mood instability with a tendency to cry over anything and everything, dizziness, shaking/chills, stomach contractions (which, I assume, led to the vomiting last week), and headaches. Pleasant. But, since it always takes a few days for the medication to leave my system, I tend to take the medication for a few days, stop until the symptoms start, and then start taking it again. Really stable. Obviously, I should just take the medication regularly... it would probably make things a lot easier. But I don't. I don't entirely know why I don't, but right now it's bordering on spite. Of course, it isn't really hurting anyone but me... so what?

Anyway, I got all panicky last night... left my house at around nine and drove to the crisis center. And just sat in the parking lot for ten or fifteen minutes. I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car... I was too sure that I'd go in and they'd tell me that it was all my problem, that I was just lazy or a coward, that I didn't actually need help from anyone else. Went home. Screamed a little, cried a lot, cut myself... my normal way of dealing with things.

Hypothermia is starting to sound most feasible. Stand in the shower in my clothes for a few minutes then go outside to a nice out of the way place and fall asleep. Hopefully not wake up.

This is just pathetic. God, I hate me.

ETA: Thank you to the people who keep reading the shit I dredge up and have yet to completely hate me. Special thanks to people who keep replying... if I was a better person, I get the feeling I would be able to articulate something a bit more meaningful than just 'thank you' ... as it stands, though, that's all I've got. Sorry about that.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Scandal - Goodbye to You
Classy kinda sassy: ender perhapssimmysim on January 14th, 2004 09:16 pm (UTC)
there is always at least one angsting post on my friends list a day, but yours do not annoy me at all as you do not annoy me; therefore, i couldn't hate you for pain that you are feeling. :( i have no advice to give, but if i was there, i would make you cookies. and probably give you a hug. but i know your aversion to that particular net-term i will not give you *hugs*
Adamadamchristopher on January 14th, 2004 09:34 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry this is such a hard time in your life. I think you do have the strength to ride the wave and get to shore. Drowning yourself (etc) is not an option. Every moment comes with new promise if you can see your way to it. Sounds like a cliche but it's a truth. Death is one quick end and may seem attractive from time to time, but every day is a pristine beginning and brings new opportunities . I wouldn't want you to miss out on how the story of your fascinating, adventurous life unfolds.
Pete: Sometimes you believe in darkness.glorybox on January 14th, 2004 09:51 pm (UTC)
I don't hate you. I worry and wish the best for you and hope all this bullshit clears soon enough. If you ever need someone to rant or fume to, please feel free to e-mail me.
Kemayo: Togetherkemayo on January 14th, 2004 10:10 pm (UTC)
I often don't reply to posts like this because I feel that the people who post must, to some extent, get tired of people saying "I feel bad for you -- get better please" and not offering concrete suggestions as to what to do. Mostly because there isn't really anything concrete to offer beyond what you already know, of course. (i.e. "Obviously, I should just take the medication regularly." ^_~ )

However, I do worry about you. So, y'know, try to feel good about yourself.
Meredith: drsgsillypants on January 15th, 2004 01:44 am (UTC)
I don't hate you -- I don't reply very often because I think you probably get sick of me enough as it is; but I do think of you often *hugs* :(
Cathryn (formerly catslash)remindmeofthe on January 16th, 2004 12:24 pm (UTC)
And the very fact that my spontaneous decision to friend you has stuck should say a great deal about how much I don't hate you. =)

Jasper Asphodel Ladon: Paul- greythe_anomaly on January 17th, 2004 12:17 am (UTC)
Hey, everyone needs love, you know...I understand that better than a lot of people. So, no, I don't hate you, and you should feel more loved than you do. And uh....well, I don't have a lot to say on the matter, either! I hope life gets better and you find inner peace. ^_^