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08 February 2004 @ 01:59 am
... maaaaaaan.  
Why do I always fuck everything up? I hate this instability and irrationalness... it shouldn't be a character trait, it shouldn't. I wasn't always like this; once upon a time you could trust me or talk to me without something upsetting coming up. Once upon a time I could walk in a crowded area and not feel like I was getting ready to have a panic attack or start kicking ass. I mean, seriously... when did it become "fight or flight?" When did I decide that the world was against me?

Sometimes everything just hurts and it makes me think I'm too sensitive. Like my body wants to break into a million pieces. Scatter the ashes, haha. Into the wind, over the ocean, sleep with the fishes. Bottom of the ocean, so dark and peaceful.

My own selfishness and inconsistency makes me so frustrated; I wish all this constant change would stop. You'renotsickyou'renotsickyou'renotsick so stop acting this way, goddammitgoddamitgoddammit! If I was someone else, I would slap me. I don't have the patience for this.
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: Tori Amos - Spark
Adamadamchristopher on February 8th, 2004 11:51 am (UTC)
just breathe deeply through each milisecond and ride that powerful wave. Emotions are just energies, you can work with them, you can pierce and dissolve them. Not to be redundant, but I could have written this myself ten years ago or so. I can totally relate. I've been aggressively tackling this stuff and I've gotten so far through the muck. For me personally, the most awesome simple magic has been my yoga practice. I hope you get some rest from the chaos and your day evens out nicely. :)
DrWorm: vashdrworm on February 8th, 2004 01:36 pm (UTC)
Oooh, yoga. I always sort of wanted to do yoga, but... I don't know. I ought to do something that involves some moving around, but... I guess I feel like I ought to get to a place where I'm stable enough not to immediately turn my back if something goes wrong, and that's just not now.

Thank you for your comments and encouragement. I always really, really appreciate it.
Adamadamchristopher on February 9th, 2004 01:17 pm (UTC)
You're very welcome. I always enjoy your writing so much, and I really, really appreciate that too. :)
(Deleted comment)
DrWorm: vashdrworm on February 8th, 2004 01:31 pm (UTC)
*hugs back* Thank you...