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21 February 2004 @ 01:17 am
Utterly, utterly useless...  
Me, that is.

I hated school so much while I was in it, but now I'm kind of lost without it. There are plenty of things I could do (or, more pressingly, should do), but I haven't... and I guess I won't. I'm deathly afraid that I'm just being lazy... but it's not that I don't want to do work, to do something. I'm not actually all that fond of spending the day staring at the ceiling. But the alternative is so much more frightening: working, interacting with people, failing. It's the failure that bothers me... the past two big things I've tried to do since high school have been big, fat FAILURES. And now I'm so frightened of leaving the house, going out among people, that I can barely request an application to work at such and such a place, let alone actually get and keep a job. It seems so simple and other people seem to be able to do it, but I seriously can't. I want to hyperventilate when I think about the responsibility, confusion, disorganization, flexibility, and interaction involved in having a job or going to school. The idea of having all of these factors thrown at me at once is more than I can handle and that's really sickening.

Plus, I've pretty much figured out that there are insects with greater social skills than I have. Sometimes I feel like that aspect of me is just profoundly retarded... the "acting like a vaguely normal human being" part of me. Can't interact sufficiently with others, generally misses emotional reactions, has difficulty understanding body language, physically isolates self, can't create or stick to any kind of schedule, can't manage to consistently perform daily/weekly tasks associated with grooming, pets, cleanliness, organization, and basic needs... yeah. I really, really suck. Sometimes I want to hit myself and tell me to start living in the same world as everyone else. I've always had a fairly rich fantasy world, being an only child who spent a lot of time by herself, but these days I spend far more time in my imaginary world than I do in a world that is (apparently) inhabited by other humans. I go through periods of blankness, unreality, emptiness... what have you. That can be disconcerting.

And then, usually, I really don't want to talk to other people. I'm sorry, mom, for not calling or emailing; I'm not mad or sad or vindictive. I'm not particularly anything. I just, honestly, have nothing to say. I don't know how to put that. I want to hide from the obligation, because fulfilling it is more awkward than not. I don't want to talk to anyone, really, because the expectation that I will actually say something is so high. I don't know. It's a bit apathetic. I wouldn't mind being with people, necessarily, so long as the effort expended on interaction isn't expected to be too great. Sometimes I'd rather just sit silently in the same room as my panther, as opposed to having a conversation... but at a distance, you can't do that. It makes me feel so incredibly clumsy and awkward, with my one word answers and little else to offer.

... this is just idiocy.
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Vocal Majority - Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho
Adamadamchristopher on February 21st, 2004 11:45 am (UTC)
Judging by this entry, you're hardly useless. As long as you can write like this to process and express yourself, you're way ahead in the game. I comletely understand how you feel, all of it. And I know from experience that the intelligence and the writing ability together eventually transmute the overall yuckiness associated with bipolarity, etc. I thought school would be really good for you because you have so much intellectual energy and it's kind of unharnessed and I know how that is, I figured school would be grounding for you. Schedules and assignments. Don't get too caught up in past failures. So what? That doesn't define who you are. Be here now and keep going. Maybe you can just keep it small, take one or two classes and don't overwhelm yourself. Or like get a job that's just a couple days a week. I understand the frustrating even agonizing dichotomy, wherein if you do you fear being unable to maintain and if you don't you feel unable period. A lot of highly intelligent people have social skills issues, and why? Because we're in our heads. And nobody else is in there with us. And nobody else could be. And there's a lot going on in there. But I'm sure you are perceived differently and ceratinly more desirably on the oytside, than you perceive yourself as being from your inside view. You just keep yourself down with these harsh and unfair criticisms. You can heal yourself with loving kindness. I know it's so hard. Sorry my comment is all jumbled and disjointed. What's idiocy? The whole entry/line of thinking? No way. You write about things I can't write about in my LJ, but it's about me too. I appreciate the hell out of your existence. So even in your down times, you're making a positive contribution. Just see and know that.