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12 March 2004 @ 04:22 pm
*unhappy sighing*  
The panther is very unhappy and, thus, I am also generally unhappy. I know, it's not a particularly emotionally healthy system... can't help it. Love is love is love and he's about the only person I can muster up empathy for. So I shall. Besides, it gives my suicide/mutilating side a taste of its own medicine... or at least that is what sommeone feeling cynical might say. Dunno if the medicine'll work too well, though, seeing as I'm in a bit of an "I should just slit my wrists and get out of everyone's way" mood lately myself. (This sounds so pathetically like a cry for attention, but I don't really regard it that way; it's more just me talking about my day. Other people mention what happened at work or what's going on in fandom... I'm just documenting my suicidal ideation and mood swings. Deal.)

I hate other people who get in the way... it's like being sneakily undermined by someone who thinks they're being nice. I want to push them away and say "Get away! You're not good enough for him!" Or, if I'm feeling even more possessive, "He's mine, mine, mine, and you are not allowed to try to take him!" There was one woman whom he emailed occasionally... I remember her first letter was so goddamn snotty that I instantly developed a grudge. And I hold pretty serious grudges... often against people I don't know, but have taken an instant dislike to because they have wronged my panther or (sometimes worse) he has taken a liking to them. Yes, I'm jumpy about being "left" ... I've gotten used to having it happen to me, so I perceive other people as a complete and utter threat, no matter how irrational that makes me. Hi, I'm Stephanie the Stalker! Oh well. I'm jumpy about a lot of perceived "threats," and since my instinct is to get defensive rather than reticent, I don't tend to be very popular or friendly (and now you know... ah, enlightenment).

Then there are the people who are nasty, and I just want to shake them and say "How dumb can you get, asshole?" I hate when someone's off-hand, stupid comment makes everything that I say that is actually true or good completely obsolete and unimportant. It's like they're actively stealing from me, and that's the most maddening thing ever.

Crying now. Ah, shit, shit, shit, why does it never stop?
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Gackt - Marmalade
VimesLady: Darkness (Sam)vimeslady on March 12th, 2004 02:17 pm (UTC)
I don't think there's anything emotionally unhealthy about feeling unhappy when someone you love is unhappy. The fact that you can empathize with someone else, at a time when depression is taking almost all of your energy, is a positive thing. Although of course I'm sorry that in this case it is making you more unhappy.