Genera and species: Dasypeltis Scabra
Collective Term: A twist of snakes
Pity the cold-blooded snakes. Without arms, wings or flippers, they are forced to slink through life in a solitary quest for warmth and acceptance. Shy and insecure, they must keep a low profile to avoid the disapproving glances and teasing of others. Of course, their poisonous wit and quick tongues help to keep tormentors at bay.
As a child its small frame was no defense against the taunts of the playground bullies, so its sharply vicious attacks were adopted as means of protection. Snakes have no illusions about getting breaks in life and while they see doors opening for others, they have resigned themselves to staying in their lowly, entry level positions. So don't try and humor the snake, for it has reconciled itself to its subservient position.
With their intimate connection to the earth and their unique perspective on life, snakes have learned to express themselves through their art. Whether writers, moviemakers or painters, they are obsessively meticulous about their craft. Every now and then, one makes an impact on the art world and is thrust into the spotlight. But the snake recoils from the glare of publicity, and its behavior becomes even more erratic than usual. Woody Allen, the proverbial snake, comes to mind.
That's actually pretty true for me. Ugh, spotlight... And, incidently, I love Woody Allen's stuff.
In winter, the cold-blooded snake is miserable. It just can't cope in the low temperature that seeps in through its thin skin, affecting its mood and sapping its energy. Prone to colds and flu, they are pathetic sights as they snivel and cough throughout the season. But when summer returns with its warmth and light, the snakes' moods brighten and their spirits soar.
Snakes are not fussy about their choice of jobs. As cold blooded personalities they perform best when given warmth and kindness and will accept almost any job, provided they feel secure and trusted. However, if they feel mistrusted, they live up to their reputation and return the disloyalty. Consequently, they are often relegated to menial jobs in the fast-food industry or as unskilled labor.
It's not easy for snakes to disguise themselves. Even their speech betrays their reptilian heritage -- for snakes often have a slight lisp or stutter. This doesn't do much to help their self-esteem and they're more likely to spend their evenings quietly at home, than boogying down in a nightclub.
Whoa... I actually do have a slight lisp, which sounds more like a snake's hiss than a 'th' noise. The school system tried to correct it, but I fought them pretty vehemently. I won't say it keeps me home, but sometimes I do feel a little silly when speaking in front of a group.
For all their vulnerabilities, snakes exude mysterious sexual ooze that seeps into the senses of even the most discriminating people. This is not love that we're talking about -- it's a deep reptilian desire for forbidden fruit -- of which we are all familiar.
Careers and Hobbies
Psychoanalyst Food industry
I want to be an artist. I used to have writer dreams...
I'm somewhat philosophically inclined and am a master arguer... ^^
Collective Term: A cauldron of bats
Cauldron. Oh that's cute.
Being an airborne personality, the bat tends to be vulnerable in the company of ground animals. However, it is not a true bird and hasn't mastered the art of smooth controlled flight, so it often appears clumsy in social situations. Hence the term acting batty. As compensation for its awkwardness, it seems to have a built-in radar that allows it to read the intentions and motivations of others.
Mmm... I'm always a bit 'batty' in public, pardon the pun...
Identifying bat personalities is not difficult. Being nocturnal, they come alive at night and prefer dark nondescript clothing. Underground clubs and dimly lit bars are their favorite haunts and they never have tans. They are intelligent, spiritual, active individuals and use their full range of senses (other than their poor eyesight) to carefully evaluate all situations.
I do wear dark clothes (black or blue, usually), I like the night better, I don't tan and am ghostly pale (yet I don't qualify as goth...hmmm). I also have glasses...? Huh...
Bats have a habit of flitting in and out of social situations. Swooping down to interact with others, they'll quickly fly off to resume their bat lives. Tending to be unassertive and aloof, they take flight at the first hint of a confrontation and seek comfort in their personal spaces that are decorated in unusual but comfortable ways. The bat's sixth sense gives it a number of advantages in its work, and its insightful nature enables it to understand others better than it understand itself.
I hate people. But I love them at the same time. Says it all, right?
In the romance department, bats are enamoured with the idea of love more than they are with its colder realities. Decidedly untraditional, they are prone to flights of extraordinary fantasy. And it's not the traditional Ken and Barbie type of romance that tickles its fancy either. It's the Bram Stoker kind: dark, moody and gothic.
Oh yeah baby.
Bat personalities do have an enormous sense of loyalty and if you ever do a favor for a bat, it will never relax until it has paid you back. This powerful sense of quid pro quo is one of the defining characteristics of the bat personality and you should consider yourself lucky if in a bat's good graces. Bats have no strong yearning for parenthood since the kind of ego gratification that comes with having one's own children doesn't appeal to its karmic temperament.
They are quite happy to satisfy their maternal or paternal instincts by adopting or merely babysitting. If they do have children, they prove to be perfunctory parents: methodical and somewhat unimaginative. Still, they place great emphasis on ethics and morality and insist that their children be indoctrinated in the values of good citizenship.
Sounds about right...
Careers and Hobbies
Social Worker Archeologist
Oh yeah... artist, writer... I used to want to be an archeologist and I still fantasize...
Honestly, I like the idea of clubbing more than I like clubbing itself. Like romance? And caves are cool. Damp, too.
Genera and species: Odobenus Rosmarus
Collective Term: A suet of walrus
These superficially benign individuals are usually easy to recognize. When you think of walruses, think of those large people sunning their perfectly rounded bellies at the beach. Or just think of Wilford Brimley. Either way, the walrus is that ruddy uncle at the family reunion, who dispenses charm and off-color jokes like donuts.
Bah...you might think I'm jolly, but I'm really not.
Aah donuts! Walruses have an unrelenting sweet tooth and a weakness for home cooking, and though they might seem comfortable with their roly-poly physiques -- one shouldn't overdo the teasing. Underneath that thick skin is a surprisingly sensitive spirit. But still, it's difficult to embarrass a walrus. Nothing in life is taken so seriously that it cannot be laughed at. Its infectious love for life contaminates everyone who has unprotected encounters with this hearty beast.
Don't fucking sit on my lap and call me 'Santa'. I hate that. And what was that about 'infectious love for life'?
Walruses are not to be trifled with however, and as good-natured as they appear, they can be cantankerous and aggressive when slighted. Mostly however, their bark is worse than their bite and their big-hearted natures soon reassert themselves.
Damn straight. Cantankerous indeed.
Although it is accustomed to large groups of people, the walrus is self-contained and respects the privacy of others. It is happiest when surrounded by the comforts of home and feels little need to travel far afield. For all their carefree mannerisms, walruses are dependable and forthright, and people are attracted to their consistent and predictable personalities. A walrus friend can always be counted on to dish out a loan or lend a hand.
Walruses don't shower their lovers with gifts, but communicate their feelings with demonstrative hugs and sloppy kisses instead. Their biggest asset is their hearty laugh; a generous, deep-bellied guffaw that can disarm even the most cynical, and with such an engaging disposition it's easy to see why walruses are so effective in their social lives. In the bedroom, the assessment is not quite so encouraging. With their belief that affection can substitute for physical contact, they tend to be lazy and indifferent to their partners' sexual needs.
Actually, I'm a pretty big gift-giver...
Walruses not natural communicators and prefer to let their actions speak for themselves. But when pushed to disclose their feelings, they will reveal the naked truth. When they've achieved closeness with that special someone, they throw open the hatches and reveal a genuinely loving soul.
It's 'Goo goo gajoob' ya idjit...
Careers and Hobbies
Food inspector Store manager
Government worker Actor
Ah...so this is the actor's half of me, is it?
Watching TV Babysitting
Dinner parties Playing cards
God. I hate card-playing.
And I decided to put in this fourth one because my personality is all screwy...
Genera and species: Hystrix Cristata
Collective Term: A prickle of porcupines
Hey...another cute one...
Porcupines are physically small individuals with an over-abundance of attitude.
I'm not small. I'm short, but I'm not small. Attitude, yes. Small... nonononono...
Probably due to their lack of self-esteem, they have a tendency to seek comfort by putting others down, and wit, sarcasm, and ridicule are the primary weapons of its oftentimes disagreeable personality. In defense of the porcupine's actions, its barbs are not designed to cause permanent harm. Instead, they're intended as a preemptive attack to protect its own sensitive feelings, and if anyone is wounded by its thorny words, the porcupine is quick to come to its victim's aid. The porcupine displays the characteristically sharp mind and opportunistic lifestyle of the rodent personalities, but unable to function successfully in social situations, it is limited in its career choices and is rarely found in sales or management positions. Of course, a job like postal worker, DMV employee, and IRS agent, matches its prickly personality perfectly.
Prickly, somewhat. IRS agent, nonononononono...
Like other rodent personalities, porcupines are opportunists and are resourceful and creative in their endeavors. Adept at taking advantage of others' mistakes, they are the first to jump on the bandwagon when an opportunity arises. With their consciously minimalist lifestyle, their financial needs are limited to the bare essentials of living and their homes are unadorned but functional. Unambiguous loners, porcupines prefer jobs that reward individual effort -- avoiding manual labor or work that demands mental concentration. However, if it's lucky enough to find a job that requires a biting tongue, it performs above the call of duty.
If there were two words that summarized the porcupine lover, they would be use protection! For in the bedroom, the porcupine tends to be a little too curious and explorative. For them, sex is a gala event that should be spiced with all manner of strange toys and odd positions. Nocturnal animals, they prefer the safety of their homes or small offices during the day, and most of their social connections take place at night, when they wander off to seek the companionship of the opposite sex. But their caustic wit and defensive posture puts others on their guard and they often return alone.
It can be painful to get close to a porcupine and only those who have earned its trust can endure an intimate relationship. It is comfortable and secure in the company of mice and mole personalities, but should fastidiously avoid the companionship of larger carnivores like bears, foxes and wolves.
Why? They gonna eat me up? Hell, if I have any walrus tendencies I'd like to see 'em try.
Careers and Hobbies
Collection agent Bureaucrat
I thought about politics... but then I said no to that too...
There we go. This is what I do in my spare time...
I stayed home from school today, by the way. I guess I'm just really bored.