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24 November 2005 @ 05:48 pm
Warning! This post will burn your retinas!  
Warning! This post is image intensive. Duh.

So... hey, Nick Bradshaw, Sanford Greene, and particularly James Kuhoric, who apparently wrote this atrocity? I hope you stumble across this. I mean, hey, I bought these comics for the express purpose of making fun of them; I'd hate for my effort to go to waste. (And, if you feel like saying “Hey, it isn’t like you could do any better!” I certainly encourage you to look at some of my more recent drawings. I ain’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel that I get some leeway for complaint.)

Let's start with Re-Animator #0, the preview of which you can see here. Be advised that I'm only addressing the most egregious parts concerning poor Herbert; while I like Army of Darkness, there's really not much I have to say about how Ash's character is handled... aside from making fun of the godawful attempts at self-referential humor.

Off we go!

ghostgecko, don't look! AAIIIIEEEE! Tentacles! Needless, useless, stupid tentacles!

Dude, the only good part about this is the bear hug that the (disturbingly hot) Dean Halsey traps Herbert in... he's got this look on his face like, "Hey, baby, what's your sign? Octopus?" It’s almost like he’d be boning Herbert up the ass if only those tentacles weren’t erupting from the poor kid’s midsection.

Y'know, I should be happy about this delightful example of Herbert nudity... but I'm not. I can't get over the incredibly corny "No more pencils, no more books..." rhyme. I mean, that’s so cheesy even Herbert wouldn’t say it. Even this “Dark Herbert” wouldn’t say it! It’s, like, dude… are you in the third grade or what?

Oh, and “Dark Herbert.” Yeah. It’s like a bad fanfiction excuse for TOTALLY CHANGING a character’s personality, right? Hey, he can act like that because he’s NOT REALLY HERBERT! He’s, like, the dark, hidden part of Herbert West’s soul, oh god we’re so clever.

The dark, hidden part of Herbert’s soul just wants to get Danny-boy (absolutely non-existent in this comic, by the way) into bed. He’s pretty upfront about all his other ambitions.

One of the more goofy panels… I like how Herbert’s standing back there, vaguely interested and NAKED. Like, “Oooh, what’s that? But I must cover my naughty bits for this comic must be sold to the youngster demographic! And we’ll censor the word ‘shit’ too! Naughty, naughty!” Not that they censor the world shit in that particular panel… but they do later. And badly.

Moving on to Army of Darkness vs. Re-Animator #1…

You can thank Sanford Greene for this. This guy’s art is pretty much an inept copy of Nick Bradshaw’s style (and, though I hate to admit it, at least Bradshaw has some talent). Also, this must be one of the FUGLIEST Herbert Wests I have ever seen. I didn’t think you could make what is basically a caricature of Jeffrey Combs (and it is, don’t try to tell me otherwise) so fuckin’ ugly. But he managed. He actually looks like some sort of human/gnome hybrid. And considering how short he’s drawn? Ho-lee shit. The awfully distorted facial anatomy makes this Herbert almost nauseatingly painful to look at.

And check out the shit in his lab or workstation or whatever. There’s no rhyme or reason to having any of it. Eyeballs in a jar? Why the hell not! And does he keep the golf club specifically to keep the icky zombies away from him? Apparently he’s psycho enough to enjoy beating them back and getting covered in gore. Which is just stupid. Hi, meet Herbert West, he’s a scientist. A mechanistic materialist, much like ol’ HP himself. He’s a demented, elf-like little mad scientist, to be sure, but he doesn’t really enjoy killing things. He wants to bring dead things back to life. Which is why this whole premise is beyond ludicrous.

Also… “buddy boy?” No. Just no.

I think this is my favorite panel for sheer awfulness. Herbert is supposed to be kneeling beside Dr. Whateley (which is a whole other point; Dr. Wilbur Whately???) but instead it looks like he’s spooning him. Greene has some SERIOUS depth issues, which are fully evident in other places within this comic. Kids: perspective may be only an illusion, but it is still your friend! Particularly if you are being paid to take time and draw something worth selling, unlike a common shmuck like myself who draws out of the goodness of his heart (and out of boredom, natch).

So, how would I (genius that I am) draw this panel? Like so:

Minus the amusing dialogue. C’mon comics people! You know you want to hire my outrageous comic self!

Or, if you MUST have that awful Whateley-humping layout, here is how to make it not suck so bad and look so dirty:

This is, ostensibly, the most in-character panel for Herbert… save for his apparently pink glasses, which I’m willing to overlook. I’ll even overlook the little bit of tantalizing backflesh peeking out from underneath his shirt… because, hey, his arms are raised. And it’s sorta sexy.

Then we come to…

Is Herbert simply incapable of getting scrubs that fit him? But, even more importantly… ASS.

Yes, you are seeing this correctly. Do not attempt to adjust your monitor. That… is one very small step away from being a Herbert West PANTY SHOT. My soul bleeds. And when did he get so muscle-y? Flex those guns! Hit that poor gay zombie! You know you’re only compensating for your own sublimated homosexuality! Look at the way you stand with your knees together! You look like Sailor Mercury!

Oh shit, that’s a scary thought. Well, maybe he’s just afraid of the way he looks in glasses. Okay, okay, I guess the mirror thing is some sort of plot point… clearly a vague one. It’s some sort of alternate dimension thingy where this other West still, apparently, has the same purple gloves. This pisses the bad Herbert off to no end, so he takes it out on this poor, defenseless zombie.

I will say nothing about such phrases as “buckaroo” and “show Daddy.” I will especially not say anything about how they sound like dialogue from a bad porno. “Show daddy the cock!” is not the phrase that leaps to mind. Absolutely not.

PANTY SHOT. AGAIN. OH FUCK, HE REALLY IS SAILOR MERCURY! Seriously, Mr. Bradshaw, this obsession with Herbert’s ass is distracting me… if this Herbert was actually behaving like Herbert and, y’know, resembling Jeffrey Combs just a tad bit more, the gratuitous butt shots would have won me over. But no… no, I am afraid that it is not to be.

But, even more importantly… it’s an enucleation scene! Oh, you shit-eating cockteases! How could you? How did you know I like my boys with empty sockets? How? HOW?!

And yet, I cannot like this. You fucked it up. Have you ever thought about what it takes to remove one’s eyeball with only the fingers? I’m not saying it can’t be done, and I’m not talking about the horrific pain (and, since Herbert glows green on the inside, I guess we’re pretty darn sure that he isn’t human). But he’d have to really dig in there to sever the optic nerve. Oh, and also he’d have to rip up six muscles. And tear the eyeball from its cozy bed of fat tissue. No sweat, huh? But at the very least, he ought to dig a little deeper… don’t you think? And I’m not convinced that he might not squish the eyeball a bit in the process.

On a more serious note, what a horrible style this is for depicting gore. Far too cartoony. And, y’know, this may work for Army of Darkness, but it does not work for Re-Animator. Part of the charm of the first and second movies was the realism with which decay and the bodily structures were handled. Think back to Bride of Re-Animator, if you please, and remember when Herbert reaches inside the murderess’s wrist and tugs the muscles, causing them to form a fist? It’s realistic, and it’s hella creepy. Think all the way back to the very first movie, in which the zombies explode from their body bags… oh, sure, the colors are bright and striking and the action is melodramatic horror at its finest, but cartoony? Certainly not. This Teen Titans-esque style evokes none of what was good about Re-Animator.

Are you traumatized now? You’d better be.
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: Movie on TCM
such a fortunate foolnervous__girl on November 24th, 2005 11:07 pm (UTC)
this made me laugh. a lot. XD

bad comics make me giggle. tis why I made this:

the picture is totally legit, minus the words I stuck on the bottom.

DrWorm: geeks we bedrworm on November 25th, 2005 05:50 am (UTC)
HAHAHA, that crazy Superman! Gotta love his wacky antics. And Superman is a Dick! too, of course.

It just never gets old...
ghostgecko on November 24th, 2005 11:17 pm (UTC)
God DAMN these alternate universes. How'd I manage to step into the one where this piece o'shit exists? I want back in the universe where the earth is run by dinosaur nazis, please.
DrWorm: weirddrworm on November 25th, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)
Schindler's List could definitely have used more dinosaurs. Ditto Saving Private Ryan.

Hehe, dinosaur nazis... now THERE'S a comic!
[ FREE, YES, FREE!!! ]mp3_4_free on November 25th, 2005 12:18 am (UTC)
Yeah the comic-esque feeling isn't working for the theme here.
Army Of Darkness vs Reanimator would work way better as a B-Movie instead of a poorly drawn comic.
El Banditotophet_perish on November 25th, 2005 05:00 am (UTC)
Um. Followed ghostgecko.

I love this comic. It's absolutely wretched and I cringe and giggle at the panty shots but....god, I wanna snuggle with it, I swear I do.
DrWorm: what I think of youdrworm on November 25th, 2005 05:40 am (UTC)
Really? I mostly want to kill it with fire and the scatter the ashes.

It hits on pretty much every one of my writing pet peeves, several artwork pet peeves, and just about every single thing that can possibly be done to Re-Animator to fuck it up, including several things I'd never even thought of. That takes either extreme incompetence or a kind of amazingly backward savantism that I don't even wish to contemplate.

Herbert's ass is the only thing in it that actually entertains me...
El Banditotophet_perish on November 25th, 2005 07:40 am (UTC)
Oh. Oh yes. I see and understand and agree with you. As far as my limited knowledge goes, I understand that this is an abomination. Yet still my fingers want to stroke it and still my body yearns for it's touch. Like a smeet to it's PAK.

I really want to own this. Did you buy it from a local comic store or did you order it special? I understand one comes with the other...
DrWorm: geeks we bedrworm on November 25th, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC)
#1 and #2 I got at a local comic store. #0 is a retailer incentive thing, so a store may or may not have any copies. I got mine on ebay... it was just easier.

Each regular issue also has four different covers... I dunno whether that's relevant, but it's at least some related information.
ghostgecko on November 25th, 2005 04:26 pm (UTC)
Oh my, "backward savantism", I'm gonna steal that one.

It's like they're TRYING to drive people out of the fandom. First BEYOND, now this? What next, a gorgeous female assisstant that backsasses Herbert, gets away with it, then marries him?
bestfiend on November 25th, 2005 07:23 pm (UTC)
I skimmed your post and somehow thought that you were posting your own art work. I about crapped my pants. Anyway, I'm a doof.

I guess I am a Philistine, but I rather liked the comics, gore and all. Maybe the campiness appealed to me. What surprises me is that Re-animator comics exist at all (which is why at first glance I assumed it was your work). Not because the movie is unworthy, but because the graphic art I’ve seen is either superhero or fantasy related. I need to drive to a bigger city.
DrWorm: o rly?drworm on November 25th, 2005 10:05 pm (UTC)
Yeah, like I'd criticise the homoeroticism in MY OWN comics...
There exists a fairly small market for horror comics, and a far larger one for indie comics that aren't superhero or fantasy related. Comics, as an actual art form, have begun to move away (at a somewhat glacial pace) from the genres involves superpowers and heroes and blahblahblah.

But I just can't like something that goes ahead and changes what was likable about the originals (book and films) when my cat could barf up a better story. Plus, the characters are Herbert West and Wilbur Whateley in name alone (something a fan writer would likely be chastised for). Poor HP.
bestfiend on November 26th, 2005 09:57 pm (UTC)
Re: Yeah, like I'd criticise the homoeroticism in MY OWN comics...
I should probably clarify myself by saying that I liked the artwork of the comics. I grew up flipping through my parent’s old Eerie and Creepy magazines, trying unsuccessfully to create my own morbid comics. Since I completely lack artistic talent, I am easily over-awed by art work.

I sympathize with your critical eye concerning the posted comics. If a Willard comic were to be published (I’d drive screaming to Albuquerque to buy it), I would be very disappointed if the plot was foolish or if the main character’s behavior was unbecoming.
ghostgecko on November 27th, 2005 12:16 am (UTC)
Damn, I want a Willard comic.
DrWorm: savagedrworm on November 27th, 2005 03:11 am (UTC)
But if it was really terrible, I would weep. If it was really good, it'd be like an orgasm, but if not... sigh.
ghostgecko on November 27th, 2005 11:08 pm (UTC)
Well, as long as we're living in a gumdrop world, we can imagine that if a Willard comic DID exist, it would be drawn by someone cool like Ted Naifeh or Bernie Wrightson, or maybe Tony Millionaire.
R is for Raygunkleenexwoman on November 26th, 2005 07:44 am (UTC)
Words cannot express the level of "WTF?" in my brain. The "black soul" panel is disturbing as hell. (But the tentacles...fucking fuck. I LOLed. Also at the line "new-age god of flesh.") I almost want to get these. Almost. These are even more fucked-up than you said they were. I'm deeply impressed, somehow.

You didn't by any chance post these to scans_daily, did you? If not, I believe you should.
DrWorm: geeks we bedrworm on November 27th, 2005 03:09 am (UTC)
The "black soul" panel is disturbing as hell.

It's a birth! It's mpreg!!! ... it's so friggin' gross.

And isn't the fucked-upedness impressive? It's like watching a really good troll in action.

And I have nothing to do with scans_daily, so nope... and, I dunno. This is mockery, not gushing and happiness. I know nothing of their protocol there. Except that there is frequently wank.
A little bi-furiouskitty_foxglove on May 2nd, 2006 01:29 am (UTC)
I know you wrote this an age ago, but plenty of people post to scans_daily just to go "what the hell were they thinking?" The comic advertising whatever you call those cow-milking machines, for example. I'm not pressuring you to post or anything, just pointing out.
Elisa - Queen of Dorkslily_lemony on November 26th, 2005 04:47 pm (UTC)
You are so farking hilarious. I'm still going expressly down to Seattle to look for these...unless I find them in town. Still new to comics, but your drawings are awesome. Far superior to the Re-An comics out there today. :)
L.S. Englerdiraskyria on December 1st, 2005 04:03 am (UTC)
This is random. Random greetings to you.

Thankfully, I think I was saved from eye-burnage because I have no idea what it's about.

What I do know is that kleenexwoman say I should say hi because I apprieciate childrens/young adult fantasy as a genre and that you would appriciate that sentiment.

So, hi. : )
Lialia_galanodel on December 3rd, 2005 08:25 am (UTC)
Wow never thought I'd find anyone I knew on LJ! Woot for that. How're you? If you can't figure out who this is, this is beth. we went to HS together. Wow that sounded lame... anyway, good to have contact with you again :) See you later!
Erikanoche_claw on January 11th, 2006 08:29 pm (UTC)
I had the misfortune of looking forward, insanely so, to these comics. After having aquired the first three...well, you took the words right the hell out of my mouth. What a horrible, HORRIBLE job. What bugs me most is Herbert's dialogue, however. He sounds so utterly cheesy its painful. As for how he looks, I would have loved if they had made him look less like a troll. Maybe this design right here wouldn't have been perfect, but it would have worked better: http://www.deviantart.com/view/16552492/

...okay, would have made him look like he was 40, but still an improvement XD In a perfect world, you would have illustrated the bloody thing.
A little bi-furiouskitty_foxglove on March 22nd, 2006 01:53 am (UTC)
First scan: Herbert's unexpected kiss under the mistletoe. That's wha I thought when I first saw it, and that's what I'll think for the rest of my life. Also, splatch. And Halsey changed how he was holding Herbert's arms between panels.
Second scan: Any book that doesn't go "ROARORAAA" is not worth having. Is Wilbur re-animating the Necronomicon?
Fourth scan, second panel: I had a joke here that would be hilarious if I could figure out who Herbert's enormous forehead reminded me of. Dagblastit.
Last scan: Is Herbert's arm as far away from his shoulder as I think it is? Between this and his stretchy face in the fourth scan, I am beginning to suspect that he's actually Plastic Man. This also explains the lack of eyeball squishing, despite the "SPLORCH."

I'd buy them for less than three dollars. Or with someone else's money, if I was mad at them.