~I wake up weird in the middle of the night
I walk the floor until my mind gets right
I think about the past and it makes me want to cry
I know I got to keep it on the inside~
I could feel him breathe with my hand pressed into the small of his back. It was so reassuring and human, especially coming from a person that I normally thought of as infallible. I stepped closer and leaned my head on his shoulder, listening to it all: his breath, his pulse, the slightest noise of him swallowing. It was ethereal.
“Ich könnte auf Sie hören atme für immer.” (6)
“Nothing,” I sighed and let my hands circle his waist, holding him there with me, “Just thinking out loud.”
Awkward, it was awkward now, and there wasn’t any way I was having that for long. The silence would have been fine had it not been so fucking uncomfortable, which I could tell that it was because I could feel Scott panicking and worrying. I could feel it every time he shifted his weight, sighed a little, or played nervous games with his pants pockets.
I stretched my neck upward slightly so that my mouth could be even with his ear. On impulse, I flicked my tongue out to taste the skin of his earlobe. He inhaled sharply and stiffened. “Calm yourself…” I whispered, “Where’s the calm, cool, and composed Scott that we all thought we knew?”
He swallowed. “Hiding.” His voice squeaked harshly on the second syllable; he cleared his throat with embarrassment. “Hiding in sheer terror.”
“Am I that intimidating?”
Another swallow. “Yes.”
~I want to get lost from my life sometimes
Sit on the side and watch the world go by
I want to get lost in the dark and dream for awhile
Just sit inside a dark room and dream for awhile~</i>
I slipped my hands from around his waist and took a step back. Excitement tingled through every part of my body: sexual excitement, emotional excitement. We were so close, so close dammit, yet I got the sense that neither of us would be terribly good at the communication necessary to start a relationship, or even get us out of the library where we’d been conducting our fleeting romantic tryst. At least, not on our own terms; at this point, one of us needed to step forward and make this work.
“Ach, sie bilden dieses so schwierig.” (7) I whispered playfully, walking a little circle around his body so we could stand face to face.
“Hmm?” The confusion on his face was priceless; to add to it, I took his hand in mine and lifted it my lips.
“Sie sind das schönste Geschöpf in der Welt.” (8) He smiled shyly, not knowing what the words meant, but certainly comprehending that they were in some way complimentary.
“I like it when you speak in German,” he pulled me slightly closer, our hands still entwined, “You have a beautiful voice.”
“Danke,” (9) </i>I stood on my toes to kiss him on the cheek, squeezing his hand to reaffirm our connection. “Follow me?”
“Sure.” Again, his bewilderment was apparent, making me think that he truly hadn’t expected me to respond the way I had to the kiss, and had therefore not planned past it. So very interesting…
~The only thing that ever makes sense to me
Is the words to a song from an American movie
The only thing that ever made sense in my life
Is the sound of my little girl laughing
Alive and happy in the summertime~
I led him out of the library, our fingers still curled around one another’s. Such a strange sight, truly this is diversity when blue skin meets white skin in such an intimate fashion. As the doors closed behind us, I wondered if I’d ever be able to look at the room in the same way. It had just been where we’d stopped, where he’d told me to take the watch off. And now it was suddenly a landmark for us, or whatever us would become.
I began to direct him along the hallways toward my room, constantly vigilant for other, intruding members of the Institute. But all was quiet. The whole world was quiet except for us, naughty children up past their bedtime.
I shoved him unceremoniously through the door to my room, quickly hustling behind it myself, shutting and locking it with a smooth twist of my tail. Scott sat stiffly on the bed’s edge and, once again, I found myself imagining how we’d look together. On top of the sheets or under them? Would I be beneath him, gasping and groaning with my legs around his waist? How would it work? How would it be arranged?
Blushing slightly, I pulled a chair up across from his position on the bed and sat. We stared at each other for a moment before I spoke.
“It’s not right, you know.”
~I am just like everyone I know
I am afraid of things that I don't know
I am afraid of ever really being alone
I want to find myself a brand new heart
I want to find a girl and make a brand new start
I want to find a girl and get lost in the dark~
He was staring at me, facial expressions taught and determined, no trace of his previous anxiety. More familiar surroundings, a more secluded locale, the fact that it was just him and me, him and me…
“What’s not right?” I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, afraid of what was to come. I didn’t want him to say what I thought he was going to say, didn’t want to hear it because it had been so nice just to hold someone…
“The way she treats you,” He shook his head, “It’s not right.”
“The way… what?” I sat up as if I’d been pinched. No, this wasn’t what I’d been expecting at all, what was he talking about?
“Kitty.” His voice was monotone, not betraying a single emotion. Ah yes. Kitty, Kitty, pretty Kitty. Whosoever follows Kitty should be advised that she has claws, sharp ones, and that she’s unafraid to scratch them down your soul. “Kitty. I know you… like her.”
Oh god. It was hurting him to say it. Did it hurt him when Kitty and I walked together, side-by-side? Kurt and Kitty, Kitty and Kurt… look at how happy they are.
It was all bullshit. Did he know it? No, no…
“I know you do, but… Kurt. She can’t get past your appearance, Kurt.” Fuck, he was right, he was so right, but liking Kitty was just so normal… dammit, so normal. He slid off the bed looking like a wounded puppy and laid his head in my lap. I could feel his warm breath through the fabric of my pants, I could feel his fingers tickling my calves. I gripped the armrests helplessly. “Please… just consider…”
“Consider what?” I spat at him. He twitched as if I had struck him. “First you say you don’t know what you want, now suddenly I’m supposed to be considering something? Make up your mind, damn you, make up your mind!” There were tears at the corners of my eyes but I was determined to keep them from falling.
His voice was tiny as it broke the silence. “Please, consider…”
He stared up at me and it bothered me, bothered me that I couldn’t see his eyes through his customary sunglasses. “Be my lover.”
(6)- I could listen to you breathe forever.
(7)- Oh, you make this so difficult.
(8)- You are the most beautiful creature in the world.