'I was just skipping-'
'Quite. Real children don't go hoppity-skip unless they are on drugs.'
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
She'd become a governess. It was one of the few jobs a known lady could do. And she'd taken to it well. She'd sworn that if she did indeed ever find herself dancing on rooftops with chimney sweeps she'd beat herself to death with her own umbrella.
It's a sad and terrible thing that high-born folk really have thought that the servants would be totally fooled if spirits were put into decanters that were cunningly labelled backwards. And also throughout history the more politically conscious butler has taken it on trust, and with rather more justification, that his employers will not notice if the whisky is topped up with eniru.
"How do we usually test stuff?"
"Generally we ask for student volunteers," said the Dean.
"What happens if we don't get any?"
"We give it to them anyway."
"Isn't that a bit unethical?"
"Not if we don't tell them, Archchancellor."
The absolute best opening line to a book that I have ever read. "Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree."
'Oh, you patronise the opera?'
'Lady Esmerelda patronises everything,' said Nanny Ogg stoutly.
"But I don't believe in reincarnation!" he protested.
And this, Mr Pounder understood with absolute rodent clarity, meant: 'reincarnation believes in you.'
Greebo also had a cat's approach to possessions, which was simply that nothing edible had a right to belong to other people. That's my cat, all right.
People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
"What sort of person," said Salzella patiently, "sits down and writes a maniacal laugh? And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head. Opera can do that to a man."
From Carpe Jugulum
Agnes thought that a dumpy girl should not wear a tall hat, especially with black. It made her look as though someone had dropped a liquorice-flavoured ice-cream cone.
Vampires are not naturally co-operative creatures. It's not in their nature. Every other vampire is a rival for the next meal. In fact, the ideal situation for a vampire is a world in which every other vampire has been killed off, and no-one seriously believes in vampires any more.
"Oh, I don't know, I really don't," said Nanny. "I mean, it's flattering and everything, but I really don't think I could be goin' out with a man with a limp."
From The Last Continent
PEOPLE'S WHOLE LIVES DO PASS IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES BEFORE THEY DIE. THE PROCESS IS CALLED 'LIVING'.
It had been going so well. They almost seemed up to speed. This may have been what caused Ponder to act like the man who, having fallen a hundred feet without any harm, believes that the last few inches to the ground will be a mere formality.
There's a certain type of manager who is known by his call of 'My door is always open' and it is probably a good idea to beat yourself to death with your own CV rather than work for him. In Ridcully's case, however, he meant, 'My door is always open because then, when I'm bored, I can fire my crossbow right across the hall and into the target just above the Bursar's desk.' I have teachers like this.
"All bastards are bastards, but some bastards is bastards."
From Soul Music
Wizards were rumoured to be wise -- in fact, that's where the word came from.
[ footnote: From the Old wys-ars, lit.: one who, at the bottom, is very smart.]
The man gave a shrug which indicated that, although the world did indeed have many problems, this was one of them that was not his.
'Of course, just because we've heard a spine-chilling, blood-curdling scream of the sort to make your very marrow freeze in your bones doesn't automatically mean there's anything wrong.'
It is said that whosoever the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. In fact, whosoever the gods wish to destroy, they first hand the equivalent of a stick with a fizzing fuse and Acme Dynamite Company written on the side. It's more interesting, and doesn't take so long.
The hippo of recollection stirred in the muddy waters of the mind.
"Ah, we certainly know what goes into good beer in Ankh-Morpork," he said.
The wizards nodded. They certainly did. That's why they were drinking gin and tonic.
'Yes,' said the skull. 'Quit while you're a head, that's what I say.'
From Guards, Guards!
Anyone in baggy trousers and a white face who tried to ply their art anywhere within Ankh's crumbling walls would very quickly find themselves in a scorpion pit, on one wall of which was painted the advice: 'Learn The Words'.
He couldn't help remembering how much he'd wanted a puppy when he was a little boy. Mind you, they'd been starving -- anything with meat on it would have done.
"Corporal Nobbs," he rasped, "why are you kicking people when they're down?"
"Safest way, sir," said Nobby.
They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt.