DrWorm (drworm) wrote,
DrWorm
drworm

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"And close with a 'Matrix'"

I've found something out. I cannot talk about Ryan without gushing. I tried to tell Amy about last night...just honestly what I was feeling...and it came out sounding so mushy and sentimental. I feel stupid because it sounds like I'm in eighth grade and in love with some fucking celebrity with such star status that he has no faults. Which isn't true. Faults? I'll name them:

1) He has mood swings. They're not violent, but just...swings. Annoying swings. Depression-type swings, I guess.
2) He's not the most dependable person in the universe.
3) He tries to take on too many projects at once and overloads himself, preventing some things from moving forward and cluttering other people's lives besides his own.
4) He can be completely spacy, disorganized, and forgetful.
5) He smokes, he drinks (but not all that much, really), and he may be doing other, more illegal, drugs.
6) He's not planning on going to college.
7) He's still living with his parents (well...that's not that bad... ^_^ ).
8) He's dating Beth (not that that's a fault, but it's bad for me).

Ok...and maybe it's cliche...but I'm reminded of lyrics from 'Meet Virginia' by Train:

"She doesn't own a dress, her hair is always a mess
If you catch her stealin, she won't confess
She's beautiful
Smokes a pack a day, but wait that's me
But anyway
She doesn't care a thing about that hair
She thinks I'm beautiful"

Comment- I love that part. I love it because the love between the two main characters in reciprocated. 'She's beautiful...she thinks I'm beautiful'. It's like there's this awe that the two share, an admiration, a certain feeling. It's so nice.

"She never compromises, loves babies and surprises
Wears hi-heels when she exercises
Ain't that beautiful
Meet Virginia
Well she wants to be the Queen
Then she thinks about her scene
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna be the queen
Her daddy wrestles alligators, Mama works on carburetors
Her brother is a fine mediator for the President
Well here she is again on the phone
Just like me hates to be alone
We just like to sit at home, and rip on the President
Meet Virginia
Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back as she screams
I don't really wanna live this life
She only drinks coffee at Midnight, when the moment is not
right, her timing is quite-unusual
you see her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic
and the shape of her body - unusual
Meet Virginia-I can't wait to
Meet Virginia-Yea"

And, since the song describes both faults and eccentricities, maybe I should list some eccentricities (some good eccentricities. Some of the reasons I like Ryan).

1) He has a corny sense of humor (he thought the swinging door in 'Fools' was hilarious).
2) He screwed certain props and set pieces to the set and to the floor of the theatre during 'Fools' and was unashamed when confronted by theatre officials about how this was a 'bad thing'.
3) The way he works as an actor. Maybe he's not the best in the world, but everyone has a definitive way of doing things and his was, to me, one of the more unique.
4) He wears the same pair of jeans almost all of the time (they have a little ink stain on the front, right pocket) and yet these pants aren't disgusting yet.
5) He doesn't wear shorts in the summer (because he has little, chicken legs).
6) He usually either wears his hair spiked or puts a red bandana over it.
7) His nose is wonderfully intricate, long and a little bumpy, as if he broke it sometime in his life.
8) His eyes are expressive, and his lips purse into a little cupid's bow whenever he's angry, irritated, or sad.

And now we're even. But what I just said cannot even compare to the feelings I had when hugging him, holding him with one hand around his waist and just thinking 'God, it feels so good to touch someone'. It doesn't compare to the feeling I got when I let my hand trail away, around the curve of his waist. And maybe it's a little stupid, but while we were standing there, kind of arm-in-arm, he happened to burp. And I laughed, burying my face in his shoulder. He apologized but, honestly, I just shrugged it off. I wasn't offended, certainly, and I wasn't grossed out. It was just this little curve thrown at me, a little 'Can you really handle another real person?'. Ironically enough. But it didn't bother me. And it didn't ruin any moment we were having, whether it was romantic or just friendly. The beer, the other people, the smoke, the noise didn't ruin the feelings I had when he hugged me at the end of his evening, and I planted little kisses on his neck and the middle of his cheek. It was another little tug of reality, feeling the stubble of a midnight-ish shadow on his face. Even the slight irritation and intimidation I felt around Beth didn't disturb what I'd felt for a second there. A chance. A redemption? Something...something nice. And it's not quite sexual now, but it's not quite friendly either. Something in-between. A sort of 'I don't know enough about you to really love you, but I think I do anyway and it feels weird'. From my point of view, of course. I don't know what he thinks.
And maybe it'll never get past that. Maybe he'll be with Beth for a long time. Maybe I'll be past this in a month and I'll look at him again in November sometime and think 'Well, I hope he can at least be happy'. Because sometimes that's all you can wish for other people.
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